It’s been over 48 hours since I’ve been able to stomach anything other than peanut butter sandwiches and juice.* I’ve been holed up in my hotel room here in Ho Chi Minh City for the past couple of days due to some kind of mysterious nausea and vomit-inducing illness. When I awoke this morning, the nausea seemed to have subsided, so I ventured out of the building to find some “real” food. I returned with one banana muffin and a take-away box of egg fried noodles from the cart vendor across the street – but even with the chili sauce “held” I couldn’t decide whether the noodles were a good decision. Up in my bed, I slid open the lid, saw the amount of pepper doused on the veggies, and I knew. Two bites in. Nope.
I’ve spent more time on the internet these past two days than I know what to do with. I mean, one can only be on Facebook and Reddit for so long before a comatose of the brain begins to set in. And then it’s realized that an entire day has just been spent fumbling around the web and its endless doses of useless information (Did I really just dedicate the past 30 minutes to Googling old news about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth?). Oh.
It’s in these kinds of moments of prolonged stillness and boredom that my mind wanders to this dingy place of doubt and insecurity where unsettled desires begin to grow. Desires for those things that I suddenly feel are missing from my life. It’s as though this sort of shifty darkness gradually settles in and freely makes itself at home, all the while feeding me lies disguised as truths. Lies about how I’m not good enough, how I haven’t accomplished enough in my life.
What is enough, anyway? I mean, there’s so much I still want to do. How did I get here? To this place where I’m already 25-years-old and have no idea what I’m doing with the rest of my life. To this place where I’m living for the expectations of others…instead of those of my Christ. I’m trying so hard to satisfy myself by satisfying others. I’ve forgotten that every desire of my heart belongs to God. That he is the very essence of my being. I am made in his image. No one else’s. Everything that I am is because he is.
I spend too much time dwelling on secular successes, dwelling on what this world tells me I should have accomplished or what I should be doing. I was on the back of a motor bike last week, riding through the congested streets of HCMC, holding my oversized helmet by its chinstrap, when I halted this same darkness in the midst of its creeping. I closed my eyes and paused to listen to the sounds of a hundred motors, to feel the heat of the surrounding exhaust flow across my toes and up around my ankles, to simply be in that moment. I felt God’s pull. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
So I’m 25. I don’t have a “real” job. I’ve never made enough money to fully support myself. I’m not in a serious relationship nor do I have any serious suitors on the horizon. There is little to nothing to my name, as far as property goes, back in the States. And I’m certainly not putting that expensive degree to use…yet. What I am, though, is the apple of God’s eye (yes, I’m overly sentimental). I am traveling across the w o r l d. I am having experiences that some people may only ever dream of, and it is nothing short of magical. I am following God’s will for my life. And I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
*Since writing this post I have been able to eat homemade pasta with zero repercussions 😉
My next financial deadline is coming up on December 1st, friends, and I need to raise another $1,000 in order to continue on my race. If you feel led to give, you can do so by clicking the “Support Me!” link at the top of the page under my progress bar!
Please continue to pray for me and my team! Much thanks! 🙂
