We sing hymns that say “Jesus gave it all, all to him I owe.” Or a more contemporary worship song by Bethel goes “You can have it all, Lord, every part of my world.” Do we really mean that? Do I really mean that?
When you ask me what’s next after I get home from the World Race, please don’t expect a 5 year plan. I don’t have one. I don’t even have a 6 month plan. All I know is what the Lord is doing in my heart, the revelations He has given me this year and my relationship with Jesus is so much sweeter and richer because of this experience. I’m walking with my Savior, and that’s all I ever truly need to know.
Part of walking out life with God means having the ugly conversations with Him. I think of the Samaritan woman at the well Jesus had an appointment with He was not willing to miss. While talking to her, He pointed out the shame she didn’t want anyone to touch. He knew she had more than one husband and that the current man was not her husband, but he decides to probe at that part of her life anyway. He wants to show her a Savior’s touch can heal that part of her life. I doubt that was an easy thing for her to talk about.
I feel like the Samaritan woman. There are parts of my life I don’t want touched. The Lord has come to me with questions I would rather not answer. But yet, I know His heart for me and know He asks these questions with the purpose of taking me deeper. So His question to me was this: Can I have it all?
There is no doubt God has put overseas missions on my heart. Don’t ask me what that looks like for the future. Your guess is as good as mine. What I do know is the Lord is calling me back to Greece. Shortly after I get home on July 25, I plan to turn right back around and head there in October. For how long I do not know- could be a month, could be a year, could be longer.
I sit in my relatively comfy seat for a 15 hour bus ride, not anticipating the 23 hour bus ride I know is to follow. The Lord and I talk. I hear His voice: “Rachael, can I have it all?” I think about everything He is asking to have. I try not to let my teammate sitting next to me know I am tearing up.
My answer: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to give it all up.
I don’t know if I’m willing to miss Christmas for the second year in a row. I don’t know if I’m willing to miss more time of watching my best friends daughter grow up. I don’t know if I’m willing to miss more weddings and babies being born. I don’t know if I’m willing to miss more chunks of time away from my friends and people who “get” me. I don’t know if I’m willing to miss more church services with American worship and preaching. I don’t know if I’m willing to put aside the comforts in a culture I call home. I don’t know if I’m willing to go when there is so much HERE. I just don’t know, Lord.
The Lord and I have been battling with this. I know I’m being stubborn.
Lord, can’t I go back to Greece after Christmas? After my friends baby is born? After I have enough church services to fill me up?
The answer is yes. I could go after the holidays, after I get to meet this baby whose life the parents would like me to play a part in. It wouldn’t be wrong, and it wouldn’t be a bad thing. But I wouldn’t be answering Jesus the way He wants. I would be giving Him only what I want Him to have. God’s given me the opportunity to go NOW. Home will always be home. The people that make up home I know will always be there. There’s no time to waste when God calls. I want to obey. I want the most this life has to offer. I want to take advantage.
I wish I could say I have it all together. Actually…I don’t. I’m glad I don’t have all my attitudes in check, all my priorities straight, all my thoughts in line with God’s because these heart battles with the Lord only draw me closer to Him. These inner turmoils show the constant state of need I am in for Jesus to come in and change my thought and life patterns.
I want y’all to know I do not write any of these blogs to “show off” my relationship with God. Quite the opposite, to show off God. To show off the things HE has done this year. To show you the deeper places He has taken me to. To hopefully inspire others to ask God himself to take them “deeper than their feet could ever wander.” It is so beautiful to see how He does it.
I promise.
