I grew up in a pretty standard, run of the mill American Christian home. I was the youth pastor’s daughter, went to church every Sunday, and eventually to youth group every Sunday or Wednesday night. In the back of my mind I was always wondering if that was it; if my story was that short and that boring. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty wonderful childhood and loved the friends that were brought into my life. We had some pretty incredible memories over the years that I wouldn’t take back for anything. But there was something missing; a huge void in my life that I couldn’t place. I kept trying to fill that void by trying to do all the right things in order to check off all the Christian ‘must-dos’. Ultimately, I was trying to acquire perfection. In reality, I didn’t know God or understand him. I went through my life knowing how to fake it. The whole time I thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t genuinely feeling his presence in my life. Even when I cried out to Him, I still just couldn’t give myself over to Him fully. I knew God was trying to break down my barriers I’d put up in order to shield myself from getting too close in order to protect myself from rejection. Instead of giving all my trust over to Him, I made excuses and turned towards my selfish desires…. The college happened.
My first year was extremely tough on me. Although I tried for many to not see, I fell into a depressive state. Before I left for college, I had my mind set on so many possibilities on how I’m going to remake myself and how independent I was going to be. Well that all crashed and burned pretty quickly. As an introvert, I tipped my balanced scale to completely turn inward, so much so, I couldn’t pull myself out. I felt numb to life, I know longer wanted to be present in the moment. As my first year ended, desperation started to set in. I started my second year of college giving into something I never in a million year thought I would turn to…porn.
Being single my whole life combined with being an extreme hopeless romantic finally took its toll on me. In my insecurities and loneliness I desperately needed something to fill that hole in that part of my life.
I needed to feel again.
Instead of being romanced by God, I began being romanced by the world.
In order to sway my curiosity and get myself to feel again, even if it was only temporary, I turned to lust.
I felt so ashamed, disgusted and ultimately broken,
“How could I turn to a so-called man’s sin?”
I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the black hole I made for myself. It was taking over my life, thoughts, and time.
(Side note: girls are taught that this is a man’s sin, which leads them to believe they are dirty and unworthy of love; I want to speak against this shame that has been put on girls. There are many women out there who struggle with this topic just as much as men. We might be more silent but we are out there)
Only by the grace of God did He set His plan in motion for my life.
On a very random day, while watching A Walk To Remember, I stumbled upon the World Race. I was immediately intrigued the moment I started reading all about this opportunity. I felt God pulling me out of my dark hole I was entrapped in for the first time that day. Although I wish I could say from there on out everything was peachy keen, it wasn’t. I still struggled to really give it all up to God. Going into my junior year, I then came across a blog from a racer that was out on the field. As I was reading those blogs, the vulnerability, the honesty, and the relatability in the writings were allowing me to see God in a whole new light. I woke up in the middle of the night with an urge to write this racer about the power of their writing and the effects in had on me. I woke up the next morning with a response that shook me. My letter affected this racer more than I ever thought was imaginable and right there and then I broke down before my King.
I cried out for forgiveness, for Him to take me out of this darkness and into His everlasting light.
To this day, I’m still in the process of actively getting to know my Lord and Savior. I’ve since realized that there isn’t this magical light bulb moment where all of a sudden I’m completely changed. I’m still tempted but the choice I make to choose God will forever defeat my darkness.
For I am a mess of sin but with God’s grace I am a diamond! No matter what your story is, there will always be value. For you never know who is listening and how God can use you to further His kingdom.
The external noises and internal distractions of life were my way of blocking God out. However, when those noises were removed I found God in the silence. I was found vulnerable and weak but was left strong and desired.
In the silence, I felt God saying,
“How much do you hunger for me?”
“How willing are you to fight for me?”
“How much do you trust me?”
Silence is meant to strengthen us, for us to say, “ I stand here in awe of the almighty, willing to put all my trust in the One who had rescued me, that no matter the good times nor the bad times will I not know you’re there.
I don’t want to be looked at as a victim of sin;
rather I want to be looked at as a precious child of God.
Our stories are not meant to be locked away; hidden for all to see but to be shared and experienced by others. I want my story to empower people to grasp hold of Jesus, for He is the way, the truth, and the life.
Without Him I am nothing but with Him I am everything.
