Recently I’ve been hit hard with the reality that I’m not as strong as I think I am. I get to a place in my relationship with the Lord where I feel really good, and instead of pressing more into him I decide to let go of his hand and do things on my own, because my chest is puffed up and I can handle it.. boy am I wrong.
Do you ever get that way?
This is what Paul has to say about it in (1 Cor 10: 12) ” So you think you are standing on firm ground, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. ”
Even when I am feeling great in my walk, I need to stop and realize that only when I am in constant communication with the Lord am I strong enough to overcome temptation. As soon as I step away from him I am leaving myself naked for attack.
He goes on to say ” And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. “
How encouraging that whatever comes our way the Lord will provide a way for us to choose the path that is honoring to him. Key word here though is CHOOSE. I’ve beat myself up over and over for constantly in these cycles choosing the wrong thing. Over and over I am forgiven, and over and over I am tired of being disappointed in myself, and tired of causing the Lord sorrow. I can just picture his face, like that of a parent, that says ” I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
SO today I am making a commitment, one visible to you all, to call me out on and hold me accountable to stop repeating. I am so insecure that someone will ever love me. I love affection, and in re-reading my journals I see over and over how little I trust the Lord in this area of my life. I definitely have highs where I am on cloud 9 with God and it is the furthest thing from my mind, but for the most part it is an ever present insecurity that frankly I’m tired of.
So many of my brothers and sisters poured their hearts out at our camp fire night at training camp, and I sat silent, always thinking mine wasn’t as a big of deal, not worthy of adding to the pile of our brokenness. But as the months have now turned to weeks, which will soon turn to days, I want to have shaken off all that is hindering me and press forward into the beautiful and redeeming future that the Lord has for me this year, and not look back. I know I will never obtain perfection until I die and am united with Christ in heaven, that it is a constant working out; progressive sanctification, but I refuse to be on repeat working through the same mess over and over again. I want to discard my past sins completely so the Lord can work out new things in my life and I can grow.
Whoever is reading this, I hope that if you are waiting to work things out with the Lord until you’re good, nice, shiny, clean, etc, that you’ll throw that notion out the window, because it will never happen. Leave what you are doing right now, and seek him out. Know that he is going to accept you and he already loves the: dirty, unkept, lying, stealing, jealous, angry, drunk, lustful, impatient, un-controlled, glutenous, stingy, lazy, evil person that you are. In fact he loves you so much, he refuses to leave you the way you are, and wants you to be the person he intended you to be when he created you in your mother’s womb. So go have a chat with him, even if it’s hard, he’s waiting for you, like always.
