It’s pouring down torrential rain on our tin roof and I’m swinging in my hammock in my room. I’m listening to my ” I’m at home” mix, consisting of Avett bros, Samantha Crain, Brothers Young, A Fine frenzy, Blitzen Trapper, Broken Bells, Vintage 21 and more of the goods. The last couple weeks have felt like they would never end. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been miserable for majority of this month. It’s like Joy is welled up in my chest, but can’t get out, because it’s clouded over with too much other junk. At the end of last month I felt more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have. I was starting to feel like a leader, like a daughter of God with a purpose, like there was nothing that could stop me. The Lord overwhelmed me with Joy last month, and began to teach me about spoken life and my worth in him alone, then as soon as we get here- the first night in Huaticocha- this huge weight just dropped on me, and I haven’t quite been able to be free of it since.
I started worrying about our team falling apart, our team not really getting to know each other, not being needed as a leader, not being able to change, my family and friends forgetting me, not being able to share what’s on my heart- because you cant be weak as a leader, and asking the question ” Did I make a mistake coming here?” And so began the process of me shutting down. And from my shutting down, and how this month has gone over, I’ve come to realize some pretty profound things:
1.) The devil is sneaky: He will do pretty much anything to keep you distracted from your mission. Any lie he can sneak into your ear about who you are, he’ll do it, because when we start walking in our gifts he has no power.
2.) The last will be first and the first shall be last- I have heard this a million times, but it finally is sinking in. I am amazed by the servants around me. I don’t think I’ve been to one single place where I have not been offered refreshments, served first, and given the only seating in the home. Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve. Going into the remainder of our countries I’ll have new eyes to see what is the one thing no one wants to do, or the one person no one wants to spend time with, and I’ll be the person to do it Joyfully.
3.) The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Whatever my circumstances, and they weren’t even bad this month, I will choose Joy. The Lord has given me an abundance of Love, Joy and Encouragement, and not only do I suffer when I don’t walk in them, but the people around me do as well.
4.) I am not forgotten. I am not forgotten by God, his thoughts about me or more than the grains of sand, he taught me that last month on a beach in Dominican, and it was this month that I needed to KNOW that in my heart. I am not forgotten at home, even though I can’t see or talk to everyone often, I know we are thinking and praying for each other.
5.) My teammates are so different, but the most important thing in our life is the same: We are children of God, the end. SO even though it may be difficult at times, we have to be vulnerable, and willing to love each other, because we are the only family we have this year- and I cannot do this without them.
6.) Leaders lead best from their weakness. Something I’ve forgotten. I want my team to be vulnerable, and get to know them, but I am holding back myself. Why? When I am just being me, be it bawling, or overjoyed that is when I am alive and the people around me can be free to be themselves as well.
7.) God created the stars as an afterthought. (Gen 1:16) ” He also made the stars..” Isn’t that craziness, a cloudless starry night is one of the most beautiful things in the world, yet it was nothing to Him, just a wave of his hand. I’m comforted to look up at Orion’s belt, and know that my friends and family are looking at the same cluster of stars, the same moon, and the same sun. What a big God we serve.
8.) Be careful what you pray for. I prayed this month to be completely broken down, to have to depend on him more than ever, to be taken out into the wilderness, and poured out everyday so that only God could refuel me. It’s important to remember what you are praying for. As soon as I reread these prayers in my journal I realized God just gave me what I asked for, and he also provided a solution to everything I was feeling.
9.) I am not perfect. No one in the bible was perfect, and God still used them. I cried out to God a lot this month, be it in my room alone, in silence, shouting down the palm tree lined highway as I ran, or on the top of the mountain.. and God answered my cries. He told me I’m here, because I am willing to change into the woman he created me to be. I am here, because the gifts he has given me are uniquely perfect to share with me team. I am here, because I asked for a heart like His- one that breaks for his people, and is willing to get dirty for them. I am here, because he wanted to pull me out of captivity, into the wild to woo me. I am here, because I am his beloved, and his plans for me are great, and this is the beginning of my life.
10.) I will never understand everything. God is infinite. This drives some people crazy, but for me knowing I will never fully know or understand encourages me that i will never stop getting to know new things about God and myself. There will always be more for me to grow into and learn, progressive sanctification. (Proverbs 25:2) ” It is God’s privilege to conceal things and the kings privilege to discover them. “
(Proverbs 20:24) ” The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”
11.) Every time the Lord gives me new revelation, or I feel growth, and have an amazing day, the next day is really hard. I thought it was just me being bi polar, but this month I was taught to call it out for what it is; an attack from Satan. He doesn’t want me to grow, he doesn’t want my mind renewed and transformed to that of Christ. Knowing that going into next month and the rest of this year will help me arm myself and depend on my teammates for support against these hard days. (Ephesians 6:12) ” For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in heavenly places. “
