Most of us have identity issues. We want to know where we came from, what we were made to do, and who we were destined to be with for the rest of our lives. Our lives tend to mimic one another, a constant comparison and competition for our neighbors situation, because we all have the same expectation over us from the world. Go to school, get a degree, find a job/career, get married, have kids and a white picket fence. Most of what we are told to fight for in life is selfish, and our identity is based around our accomplishments, and not who we actually are.
For the first twenty something years of my life I was consumed with basketball. Basketball was my food, rest, and love. I trained hard, and I made sacrifices, because it was my purpose, it defined who I was. I had plans to play in college, and dreams to play after, and nothing else really mattered. I had accepted Christ in my life my freshman year of high school, but I hadn’t put Him in his rightful place, because basketball was already my god, so God took a side seat. Senior year of high school was rough. Basketball season wasn’t going well, I was stressed out with constant competition and I didn’t think I could keep up with the athletes around me. There was always someone around me stronger, faster, thinner, prettier, and since I didn’t have a ROOTED foundation in the Lord the only thing I knew how to do was continue to compete. Life was out of control, I had horrible perception of body image, and identity and so I turned to throwing up to try and keep myself in the game. I became bulimic. I didn’t understand the side affects in the moment, and once I had started it was addicting to finally have some control in my life. What’s funny is life just got more out of control the more I tried to hold on to it. The end of basketball season senior year, in a fast break play I tore my ACL. That was never part of my plan, it was beyond my comprehension and sent me into a dark period of depression, and just being lost. I was wandering around like a 3 year old in a grocery store separated from my parents, because in a sense I was. I didn’t know the love of God the father, I didn’t know my value to him, and that he was constantly seeking me out and pursuing me. I just thought I was alone, and I was confused.
I made the decision to move to Raleigh, where my sister was living and try to start life over. There were definitely good times here and there, and I made some amazing friends, but the biggest blessing was starting to see that God had a plan in my life other than basketball. I finally started to realize that when the creator of the world mapped out my life it wasn’t to just play sports, and when I couldn’t play just blot me out. His plan is for me to get to know him, to have a relationship with him, and to spread his love to every person I am around. Even in knowing the “what I was created for”, I still felt a missing and void of who I was as a unique individual. I still struggled with comparing myself to the people around me, and I still let myself be consumed with who I was going to marry and what job I would have later. I knew God was over all of this now, but I didn’t know how to fill the void that was still there, the something missing in my relationship with him. The key so to speak..fast forward to the last couple of months.
The last couple of months my world has been rocked to realize that God hears my prayers as an individual, he loves my voice, he speaks to me, he fights for me. In the last couple of months he’s revealed to me how selfish I am. All of the questions I have been asking have been “me” centered. I left on the race to find my place in the world, but along the way God has gently corrected my thinking. My place is not in this world, because I am a citizen of heaven; spirit with flesh. He has wooed me like a gentleman with grace and power and shown me I need to be looking for Him instead of a place to go, or crazy thing to see, just seeking who He is, and in that I know who I am. His character is what is in me, what needs to be called to life, and the more I know Him, the more I become myself.
I’m so convicted that all of my questions in the last 3 months have been about me. What country am I called to? What will my ministry be? What spiritual gifts do I have? Who am I? Who was I created to be?
These questions may sound like a heart for God, but don’t be misled, all of these questions are for myself. I am ALL about me. Have I been asking these questions to build up myself or build the kingdom of God? To serve myself, or serve God? My focus on my spiritual gifts is selfish too. When was it ever about manifestation? When we seek him, manifestation happens. Our faith is not signs and miracles.I have been asking God questions like he is a fortune teller instead of the God of the universe, my father, and my best friend. I’m holding out my hand, saying “read it” only concerned about my fate, and I know it has hurt him. I should be asking, ” Will you show me more of you? You are the God of the universe, Will you make me low, will you break me so that I can be lifted up in your arms?”
I have the opportunity to get to know the Father’s heart, and instead I am seeking after my own. The irony of it is when i finally ask Him who He is, all the other questions fall away. Because, when I know who He is, I know who I am. When I see his character I am shown the calling for mine.When I know his heart my heart changes, and my actions are conformed to his will and not my own. It’s from here I am lead by the spirit into my destiny. It’s from here I see the world more simply, and yet more mysteriously. When I stop thinking of myself, I am ushered into the secret place, which for me is like the secret garden (girls everywhere who have seen the movie..). It is here, in the secret place, that he teaches me who I am, that he declares who I am. I am a daughter in his kingdom which means I am royalty. I am a princess who has access to all things, and uses my privileges to serve, not to be served. He teaches me it is necessary to die to myself, because when I stand beside him I am shown what needs to be torn off of me in order for me to be like Him. Everyday I am asked the question, “Rachael, who is it gonna be, me or you?” I choose Him. I’m not perfect, and I never will be until I leave this world and enter heaven, but I choose him. I choose him, because I am comforted to know I will never fully understand everything, and that means I will never run out of things to learn from Him. I am progressively being transformed, sanctified, into his original intent for me. I know in my heart what I should say and do when I am looking at Him, because that’s when the holy spirit comes alive. The same spirit with Him, is the same spirit within me, and I want to feed Him and not my flesh. I am spirit with flesh, not the other way around. Jesus said “I only do what the father does”, and I want to be like Him.
You can’t have lost identity when it comes from the one who never changes. He is the great I am, the alpha and omega, beginning and end. All things started in Him, and were created in Him. I’ve been settling for less for far too long, and I’m DONE. Dying to yourself doesn’t feel good. It actually hurts a lot, because what’s underneath the layers being peeled away is RAW; it’s NEW. Instead of falling back to comforts in that rawness, turn to the Father who gives new skin. We are new creations meant to be born again, and again, and again. The process starts with being a child, a child so bright-eyed and full of wonder, and proud of her Papa. My Papa is the God of ALL things, who is able to do all things, and I want to mimic Him, learn from Him, and listen to Him- I know who I AM.
