Be sure to read Part 1 of this blog before Part 2…or else it might not make sense =). Here’s part 1 for ya:
http://rachaelfleetwood.theworldrace.org/?filename=in-my-weakness
…so I found myself in Atlanta, GA learning all about what Racers experience while living as a missionary for 11 months.
All the trainings were interesting and helpful, but there was 1 in particular that grabbed my full attention. Apparently, most Racers go through 3 major stages while on the Race:
1) Abandonment- There is a sense of loss during the first several months- duh. Racers have left home, family, friends, jobs, and security to be in a foreign setting. So, they mourn what they have lost and left.
2) Brokenness- This usually happens around month 6, and it looks different for everyone. Basically, it’s just a state of feeling worn out, desiring to go home, feeling confused, hurting, and a whole array of painful emotions people try to avoid.
3) Dependence– This is when a Racer recognizes that all they need is God, nothing else. He is enough, more than enough, and He can be relied on for everything.
Each stage feeds into the next, but the dependence is what struck me- somehow, in my excitement over dependence, I managed to just brush off the lessons on abandonment and brokenness (should have paid a little more attention to what those 2 experiences really look like. oh well). I just remember hearing this realization of dependence that Racers reach and thinking, “Wow. I want that- to depend on God so wholly and know that I need nothing else. That’s so cool.”
Well, careful what you ask for…
After a long day of talks, trainings, and more talks, my parents and I joined my brother and the rest of his squad for an evening of worship.
It was the most incredible evening of worship I have ever experienced. It was the first time in my entire life that I found myself worshiping God, singing out to Him whole heartedly, and thinking, “I need nothing else. I want nothing else. I’m so in love with Him. Happy to be known by Him and to know Him. There’s nothing I want from Him other than to know Him and be loved by Him.”
There! That’s it, right there, in that very moment, I heard Him say, almost whisper in the most powerful, certain voice, “Go…”
I heard this and stopped singing. “What? What??…Why, God?”
“Because your reasons for going have changed. Before you wanted to go for you, now you want to go to know Me.”
You guys, I know it sounds crazy to hear from God, to have a conversation with Him, but it happens. I mean seriously, He talks to us. We just aren’t always listening. Here, listen to what happened in the next part of this story…
After our training and the night of worship, Grayson headed off on the World Race for the second time, and I headed back to Knoxville, to the life I had so come to enjoy. However, I was unsettled, excited, and nervous…did God really just tell me to “Go” on the World Race?!
I couldn’t let myself hope for it. There was no way. Besides, I was still not so sure I should go to Africa. God still wasn’t clear on that one, and all the routes posted on the World Race page at the time went to Africa.
I was so uncertain about this that I sent up a snarky, challenging prayer to God: “Okay, God. If you want me to go on the World Race, You have to give me an all Asia route leaving in September. I want to go to India and most of the countries in Asia, and my apartment lease is up in August so September would be a perfect time for me to leave. All Asia, God. That’s how I’ll know.”
Then, what started off as a challenge to God turned into a heartfelt prayer: “Please, Lord. If You want me to go then I will, but I do not want to go do Africa if you do not want me there; it makes me nervous. Put it on the hearts of those in charge of the routes to create the first ever all Asia route…and it should be a September 2014 route.Please, God. I don’t want to go to Africa if You don’t want me to go. Please, God, please an all Asia route leaving in September. Please, God, I’m scared to go to Africa if it’s not something You want for me. I know You spoke to me. Show me, God, show me…”
I prayed like this on and off for a number of weeks, confiding in only 1 friend about what I was thinking about doing, constantly checking the World Race site for the September routes to be posted. I was getting nervous, anxious even, and questioning whether or not I could have even heard from such a inconceivable God in such an intimate way.
Then, on one particularly anxiety ridden, troubling night I checked the World Race routes just desperate for God to answer my prayer.
The World Race homepage popped up. I clicked on the routes link for the 100th time that month. My heart leapt. I sat in excitement and disbelief. The new September routes had been posted, and the very first route read:
September 2014 All New All Asia!
That was it. He had listened. He had answered. And before, even more than that, He had spoken to me. I was going on the World Race.
And you know what, as if what He did wasn’t already enough He gave me a little more to fall back on in case I decided to question this World Race thing in the process of getting ready to leave (which I did). After talking to my brother about this decision to go, Grayson said to me with a grin, “That’s awesome! I knew you would go. You know that night we worshiped together before I left for the Race a second time? Well, God told me that night that you would go on the World Race. I wrote it in my journal.”
So yeah, the rest of the story is just history. I got ready to go, and now here I am.
You guys, He’s speaking. He wants us. Some people say it’s an audible voice for them, some people like my brother and myself just hear Him internally. He’s moving, speaking, and answering prayers in all manners of ways. We just have to be willing to hear what He has to say.
This is why I keep going. He is why I keep going.
I keep going because God has always been good in my life. I may face incredibly difficult external and internal challenges, but what He has at the other end for me has always been better. To deviate from this would not be true to His character. I just have to trust that His better is better than my better- up to this point in my life it always has been.
I want to know what it is to know I don’t need anything apart from Him, but to do that, I need to know Him. I don’t want to know the Sunday School God, and I don’t want to know the God that I think I need. I want to know the real God, the actual God I need, the God that is living, moving, and breathing. I’ve experienced Him, and He has moved in my life in profound ways. But now I want more, I want a deeper relationship.
Not the God who condemns everything I am and not the God who makes everything better all the time. The God who takes care of me and my actual needs because He really does love me. Who is this God? I want to know. I want to know the truth. And I may spend my entire life trying to get a grasp on this truth, but at least I can start with a firm foundation…If God sent His only son to die for us, for me, then what does that mean? What is God’s character? Can I trust Him with this 1 single life I’m given? Is He worth everything? Is He good? These are the things I am wrestling through right now. It’s not fun.
I know that if I had stayed at home I could just be content knowing God the way I know Him, going to church on Sunday, and living out an honest to goodness relationship with Him even if it wasn’t as deep as it could go. However, God beckoned and I followed. He didn’t make me come out here. He simply offered, and I decided I wanted more. I guess to have more though you have to make room for more. For me, that meant leaving everything to leave room for Him. I need to learn to trust Him. He is showing me His character, and it’s the hardest revelation I have ever come to face.
I just keep asking myself, do I want what He has to offer?
I guess in all this what I’m realizing is that in my weakness, I am brutally honest before God…and I think that’s exactly where He wants me to be.
