Hello all my loving friends, family, and followers. I recently posted a FB status about missing home and the Race being incredibly difficult. The response I got from everyone was nothing but love and encouragement. Not going to lie…I cried almost every time I read a new response. It was all deeply touching and reminded me of why I am here and that I can do this.
YES, I am homesick, but it is more than homesickness around the Holidays. Honestly, I miss the comforts that distract me when I don’t want to press into the hard stuff anymore. Even more than that, I feel a sense of loss because even if I go home now, I can’t go on blissfully ignoring the questions that have stirred deep within me; the comforts will no longer be as welcome a distraction as they were before I left.
I am homesick for 4 months ago, before I even left on the Race.
My feathers have been ruffled, and it’s not something I can just ignore; I will still continue to ask the hard questions and push further into God just to get a glimpse of the truth He holds. So, in a sense, I am mourning the loss of a life I left behind, and I am counting on God that whatever is at the end of this is better than what I have left behind. That requires a lot of trust in a God that I am upset with right now.
I know God’s love and goodness, but it’s one thing to say He’s all I need and it’s another thing to actually experience that He is all I have.
I know it’s only 11 months, but 11 months can seem like an impossibly long time sometimes.
So why not just say screw it, go home, and live a happy life knowing God, longing for more of God, but deciding not to pursue more of what God has to offer? I mean, He isn’t making me stay here. No One is making me stay here.
It’s a good question. Here’s the best answer I have right now. It’s a story really, and hopefully it’s enough truth to keep me from slipping into an overwhelming desire to go back to the comfortable, to the easy…because let’s be real, I am far too curious about life to ever be content with just the comfortable and the easy. I want real, fully felt, fully lived life. I want what God has to offer.
(Keep in mind that a lot of what I am sharing is me in the middle of figuring it out. It’s not exactly “the word”, but it is very real and very true to where I am right now. I just want to share a little bit of it…and hopefully I can share a little bit more when I have a little bit more sorted through.)
So in trying to make sense of everything, I am clinging to something God did for me before leaving for the Race…probably to give me courage to press on when I reached this point.
I’m going to do my best to convey what I’m clinging to through a simple, true story:
Once upon a time, my younger brother, Grayson, left on a magical adventure called the World Race. He launched in July 2012, and when he took off I was jealous, bitter, and frustrated. I had never been out of the country (Canada does not count), I wanted to help people, and more than that I was willing to go. I wanted to go on this great adventure called the World Race!
So around the time Grayson announced his decision to go on the Race- Dec. 2011- I decided I would look into going on the Race as well. I had just graduated college with no plans and a potentially useless degree: B.A. in English and minor in Anthropology. Why not? What else was I going to do after graduation? I was essentially looking at God and saying, “Here I am, Lord! Why aren’t you sending me?!”
I mean come on! How cool would it be to travel to all those places, help all those people, and tell everyone about it later?
Oh right, there it was, answer number 1 to why I didn’t feel any real “calling” to go on the Race (I hate that word calling btdubs. I think all we are called to do is love God and the rest will follow. People get way too hung up on the finer details. Anyway, I digress).
1) My reasons for going were selfish. They were all about me, how cool I would look for doing this, how much fun it would be to tell people all about my world travels, how exciting it would be to experience those grand stories put on display in the World Race promo videos. My motivation for wanting to go had very little to do with bringing glory to God. He was really just an excuse to travel…and to get other people to pay for my travels.
The second reason for not going was always there, I just tried to ignore it.
2) In college I felt very strongly that God told me not to go to Africa (I worked a lot with Invisible Children so it was a possibility). I never really figured out why God told me that. It could have been to keep me from galavanting around the world for no reason during college, or it could have been to protect me from something. I still have no idea. I also never figured out if this was a time sensitive thing (don’t go to Africa during college), or a rest of my life kind of thing (don’t go to Africa ever). One thing was for sure though, the more I looked into going on the World Race the more I realized I would have to go to Africa. You see, every squad I had ever seen sent out always went to Africa. There was just no getting around it. So, I finally dropped the matter all together and just figured the World Race was not for me.
Fast forward now to Grayson coming home from his 11 month journey on the World Race. At this point, I was pretty much over the bitterness, and I was just happy for him. He had learned so much and grown into an incredible man. However, his journey wasn’t over just yet. After going on the Race, a Racer can apply to go back out on the World Race as an alumni squad leader…and that’s exactly what Grayson did.
After a long interview process, he was selected as an alumni squad leader for a squad launching in September 2013. A bit of old jealousy flared up when he gave me this news, but that was quickly replaced by genuine love and excitement for him.
You see, at that time I was in a really good place with God. I knew He loved me, and I figured I would go out and travel eventually…whether it was on a mission trip or just for funsies. So if the World Race wasn’t for me, then that was okay.
Before Grayson left this second time, he invited me and my parents to the parent training in Atlanta, GA that is put on for parents and siblings just a couple of days before Racers launch. It is a chance for families to better understand what their Racers will be doing for the next 11 months. Grayson did not invite us to this the first time he went out, but he wanted us to attend this second time. He wanted us to learn more about what he was doing and why he was doing it.
So my parents and I set off for Atlanta where the training was being held, and little did I know I was actually setting off for an entirely new, unexpected adventure.
That weekend is when God spoke to me in a very real way. That weekend is how I ended up on the World Race. That weekend changed everything. That weekend is how I’ve found myself here, questioning everything, and confused. I’ve found myself exactly where God promised I would be: lost and in desperate need of Him.
What God did to get me here is nothing short of a miracle, and I cannot wait to share it with you in part 2 of this blog…Coming Soon.
