Training camp, it is so exciting and I can not believe that it is already here. I can’t believe in just two short days I will be boarding a plane and starting this amazing adventure. As excited as I am, I am nervous and I am not ready for it, my heart is hard and broken.
I have identified as a student from the time I was 4 years old, that is 19 years of my life taken up by school. At 4 yrs old I was excited, I WANTED to go to school my heart was fully and completely in it. As the years have gone on and my adolescent heart turned into a teenager and then a young adult my love for school has faded. Going to school isn’t as exciting anymore, my heart is hard it isn’t open to the possibilities that school brings. I DON’T WANT to go to school anymore, I am over it and my motivation is at an ultimate low. The time when I need it most, 2 months left in my student career and I am fighting to stay focused, my heart isn’t in it. Come January for the first time in 19 years, I won’t identify as a student, it is going to be strange and I will have to find myself without that identity behind me. This reminds me of our walk with Christ.
My identity should never be found in being a student, but it should be found in Christ and who I am as a person. My school life and my changing heart reminds me of my walk with God.
Children’s hearts are so open, soft, welcoming, honest and truthful. They don’t care what people think, they are themselves and often accept Jesus as their Lord and Saviour without question. When I was little, I would invite my friends to church as if it was a birthday party, as if it was super exciting to go to, and of course my friends would come, because they too had innocent hearts. As time goes on and we start to think and care about what others think, church wasn’t talked about and I slowly stopped inviting friends, because it was no longer exciting, but weird and only for special occasions. My heart got hardened, I started finding my identity in the world rather then God. I became a student athlete and was always surrounded by friends. Friends that knew church was a part of my life, but because I cared what they thought of me, I never invited them to come with me. I never wanted to be known as the person who pushed church on people, because as we grew our hearts became closed and shut off. The world’s thought mattered and going to church was not high on the priority list for most.
Today, I still struggle, while I am not closed off and most know that I am a strong Christian. My heart is still hardened, and broken. I still mess up, my flesh still gets to me. I second guess what people are thinking when they look at me, or if they truly like me for who I am. I am going to school to say I have a degree, even though I have felt like quitting numerous time, I never wanted to be known as a University drop-out. What others think of me still bothers me and I can’t seem to shake it. This society is so judgemental, and I will be the first to say I have been a part of it numerous times. These are reasons why our hearts harden as we age, we slowly become aware of what is going on around us and don’t want to be seen as weird.
I stress about the small things, being a full time student and only working 4 hours a week is hard. Money is low and homework levels are extremely high. I am mentally and physically drained as sleep has been lost. 10 days at training camp means 10 days away from school work, which means I actually have to be caught up and ahead of the game. I am slowly breaking down.
I have discovered that you can be mentally and physically prepared, but never spiritually, because God always has a way of changing things and working things out. He is continually working and as I break down, he continually puts me back together, because I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but he has an unending love and I am learning that even through all of the stress and this crazy journey of life, he is holding my hand through it all and he will continue to do so during camp, so my pack is ready, but I am just a broken person being held together by the love of our heavenly father.
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
