the last couple weeks, my squad and i built a house. like actually built a house. a real house. we cleared out the land, mixed and poured concrete, prepared the wood and materials, and put it all together. building the house itself took 4 long and hard days, but it was so worth it.
my job was painting. i got the opportunity with some of the other girls on the squad to paint almost every single board that was used in the house which im not going to lie, was exhausting. painting every single board multiple times isn’t necessarily physically exhausting, but mentally, definitely.
the week of preparation leading up to the house build was really challenging. i felt myself striving for perfection and putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. all of my strength was coming out of my own strength, i wasn’t depending on the Lord to fill me up each day which means i wasn’t living out of the overflow.
so, as i sat with God about this, i felt Him call me into a time of fasting. He wanted me to take a couple days in the midst of 8 hour manual labor days where i wouldn’t eat and simply depend on Him for everything: joy, energy, strength, gratitude, etc. I felt Him saying He wanted to break me.
now, imagine God, the creator the of universe, the dude that is sovereign over all, the one and only God, saying to you: “i want to break you.” all i could say was okay.
so, later that week, i fasted for 2 full days, fully expecting to feel dead, starving, and ready to quit by the end of it.
but i wasn’t.
by the end of the 2 days, sure I was hungry, but only as if i had missed one meal instead of 6. i hadn’t found myself extremely tired or light headed during the days of manual labor in the heat, i instead felt myself ready to do the work better than before.
but i was confused. didn’t God say He was going to break me? so why didn’t i feel broken?
as i sat and pondered this, asking God to reveal Himself and explain what exactly He meant, He said very clearly: “do you trust me to break you even if you don’t feel it? do you think you have to feel broken to be broken?”
and my answer is no. i want to be someone who trusts God to break me, to move within me, to change me from the inside out, even if i don’t feel it right as its happening.
God’s been teaching me a lot about His faithfulness and what it means to have hope in things because of His faithfulness. Though I don’t yet know what God meant exactly when He said He wanted to break me, or what exactly He wanted to break within me, I think more importantly He wants me to trust His voice and have hope that His faithfulness will come through and He is a God who follows through with His word.
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” -Hebrews 11:1
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” -Hebrews 10:23
Love you guys!
Quincy
