Last month was incredible to say the least. But I want it to be the foundation to build upon. I am asking God to do 2 things in me this month.
The first is a heart expansion.
Sometimes my mind imagines things way different than how they actually turn out to be.
It sounds all amazing back in the states to be a part of missions, help the orphans, minister to ladies working at the bar, teach English, help church plants, serve the homeless, love the unloved, etc.., but it’s another story when labels and numbers stop being that and you see them as a person. Reality kicked in last month.
I love what I’m doing, but it hurts. It hurts to see that this is their lives, but for me it’s only a month. It’s hard to hold Angeline at the orphanage who has the most outgoing personality already, but like the other kids, is dirty and neglected, and after giving all my love for a couple hours each week, I had to put her back in her bed while she cries.
It hurts to build great relationships with a neighbor family only to leave in a month. It hurts to go into the hospital and hold a baby who is battling Hepatitis C.
And it hurts to do ministry when I’m tired, spent, or not in the mood.
When I think about all this, doubt creeps in and makes me wonder if what I’m doing is really helpful. What I mean is that I loved building a great relationship with the neighbors, but part of me wonders how helpful it is when they cry when we leave. Does it help to get a baby used to being held and then not come back?
I know it’s a lie and I don’t act on it, but it’s a struggle in my mind to not let walls be built up. I don’t want to NOT give of myself to make goodbye easier because that’s not worth it. Even if it’s a short period, people need to be fully valued.
I have to remind myself to trust. I know God is so in love with them and I’m playing just a part into this story. It’s a humbling honor. I know He will reveal Himself either through others to come or another way because He can’t be boxed in and works in mysterious ways. It still blows my mind that He chooses to use us.
My mom tells me, ‘Do all that you can do and trust God with the rest.’ I can invest all I can and then leave it in God’s hands knowing that I was fully used by Him.
But it still doesn’t make it easier to leave. Maybe it’s good sign that it’s hard because that mean investments were made.
Our purpose is to know Him and make Him known. But like A.W. Tozer says, “The glory of God always comes at the sacrifice of self.” I pray that I will live by this and not miss out on all that God wants me to be and do because I wanted to save part of myself. The only thing that will hinder Him is me.
So my prayer this month is that my heart will be expanded so I can love more, give more, and serve more.
Another prayer is to BE and not just DO.
This came about from a conversation with my neighbor Catie. Last week, Jill and I went over to play soccer with the kids and we began talking to the mother Catie. I asked if there are a lot of white people that come here. She said she sees a lot but no one has ever talked, befriended, or helped them.
That messed me up and opened my eyes.
I don’t want to just DO ministry.
Please hear me and know I’m not hating on the others that have come before. We are building on top of the foundations they have laid!
Ministry can be a job/title, lifestyle, or both. I’m talking about the lifestyle that all Christians are called to. Ministry shouldn’t be something we just ‘do.’ It should be a part of us.
It’s so easy to ‘do’ ministry and then when we want to be done we can check out.
I noticed how I would get in the van, do whatever ministry is there, and then come home and want to wind down. (I am not talking about the balance in life and the need to rest, I’m talking about the heart posture of what IS ministry.) But what about my home? My teammates? My host family? My neighbors? Catie listened to us sing worship on the radio. She sees us daily and then hears us on the radio. I pray my actions match up with the God I sing about.
I have been given such a great example because of my parents showed me their ministry as a lifestyle in their individual lives, jobs, friends, relationship to each other, and to my siblings and me.
I want Him to overflow all the time from me. I don’t want this ministry to be just a year of my life given to the label ‘missionary.’ Ministry is all around– with my family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, strangers, and those surrounding me inside and outside the house.
Ministry doesn’t stop in an action; it’s a state because it is with who we interact with.
I don’t want to just do, I want to be.
