I complicate things way too much.
I feel that sometimes the simplest things are the hardest things for me to understand and believe.
And complicated doesn’t necessarily means it is right.
I am going into my 7th month on the race and 4th month as a squad leader. There are things I expected and things I absolutely didn’t. There are things I love about being in this position and then there are times I want to (and do) throw a hissy fit and complain how ‘It’s too hard’ or ‘Not fair.’
I have realized how much pressure I put on myself in this ‘title.’ I didn’t want people to view me differently, but I began to view myself differently. And with pressure, I freeze. With things unknown, I freeze.
Let me give you an example….
On July 4th I went on a safari. We stopped at one of the lookout points to get out of the car and enjoy the breathtaking view. As we were outside our car, a baboon came running towards us. Our driver Sammy, yelled, “He’s coming to attack!” I froze. This huge, ugly, monkey was running so fast toward us and all I could do was stand frozen thinking in my head how much I hated monkeys. He ran right past me, jumped in our car through the roof, grabbed trash, and then jumped out. Sammy was wanting us to help him throw rocks at the baboon to scare him away, but I just stood there. I also realized I am still recovering from the monkey attack in Honduras when I was bitten by the mean thing.
Our safari van. The baboon scaled the car and jumped through the open top.
One of the crazy baboons.
I freeze. I wish I could say I have great instinct, but I guess I tend to try to stay calm and pretend to be a statue. This may be fine for some animal attacks, but I’ve realized this week that this is my reaction when I put pressure on myself.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be in this position. I felt there was this huge title and role that I had to live up to in my and everyone’s minds. I had amazing alumni squad leaders that I thought I should lead like them. I am with 2 amazing women who are crazy gifted, strong, powerful women and maybe I should be like them. I felt people, and myself, expected something from me and I HAVE to deliver.
And with all this going through my mind, I began to freeze. I felt so much pressure to say and do the ‘right’ thing that I began to crumble inside. And instead of doing something, I couldn't do anything.
And if I messed up, then it fed to an old lie that I don’t measure up and I’m not enough.
I also began to worry that I had something to prove I was the right person for this role to my leaders who placed me here. And really, I began to feel that I had to prove this to God. I began to fear and worry that I wasn't meeting anyone's expectations. What potential did they see? Have I risen to the potential? Am I a disappointment? Old lie after old lie…Blah, blah, blah, blah. So many thoughts about me were swirling in my mind that I get tired just thinking.
I began to lead and live out of fear. And I know what fear does to me- paralyzes me.
So many thoughts I began to allow to feed into this fear of falling short and not living up to these false expectations.
I finally hit my limit the other night. I was laying in my bed, being dramatic, and just exhausted.
Thank God I am surrounded by such amazing people in my life that speak truth and fight for me when I’m not sure how to do it myself. My team surrounded me. And Betsy, one of our coaches, came into my room, missing our July 4th party, to be with me.
I began to share all what was going on in my heart and mind.
She sat there and listened. And then spoke the words that my spirit needed to hear.
She pointed out how I stepped into leading out of fear rather than in truth.
I’m in month 7 and a wound that I thought was fully healed still needs some uprooting and care. With all these false expectations I put on myself, I make it impossible to measure up. I find myself not good enough, and therefore think everyone else thinks the same about me. I always think I can and need to do things better. I give myself a short amount of grace and think others, and sometimes God, offers me the same. And sometimes instead of striving, I freeze.
I am in a community where I have to keep short accounts. I can’t get away with thinking or acting like this for too long. God keeps opening my eyes to it. And when I’m too blind and too pre-occupied in my own self, I have people alongside me to call out this crap.
Yes, I have a role to fill, but it is to be fully in Christ. Christ is the center and the reason to live. If my focus remains only on Him, everything else will fall into the right place. Yes, there is potential in me as I grow, but there is also a place to look and see who God has made me right now and how He is working and using me in the present.
I desire to let go completely and not walk on eggshells.
No more false, unrealistic, and impossible expectations. The right and timely words and actions will come in the right time as I live as He has called me to live and not the way I think I ought to.
My vision for the race is to be fully alive, fully free, fully receiving His love and giving of His love. I have learned so much about it thus far, and God is just taking me into new depths of this each month. He keeps sifting and uprooting old habits, thoughts, actions, desires, wounds, judgments, and everything else that doesn’t come from Him.
He never leaves me neutral. He takes things out to put things that are of Him in that place. Things that are good and better.
My only role: To live as I was made- a daughter of my God.
