01/30/18
This is hard. It is not easy to share struggles that haunt you day and night. Its not easy to confess things that may seem small to others, but are huge things in your life. But here it goes. Its time to share.
I have struggled with pride for a while now. During training camp, my struggle with pride was in the fact that I was scared to open up with others due to the fear of being judged for who I truly am, and the sins I was stuck in. I did not want people to know that as a christian, I actually struggled with things (stupid, right?). I put on this mask at training camp of having everything together and that I was this super strong willed Christian that can battle spiritual warfare with a smile on my face and escape without a scratch (biggest lie for a follower of Christ). Halfway through training camp, I broke down. I actually wrote a blog titled, “I Dropped The Chains” about this experience. Through this spiritual and mental breakdown, I found freedom in sharing my sins and struggles with my team. I saw how there is such a joy on the otherside of confession.
Now here I am in my first month struggling with pride that looks different. I walked into this race with such a confidence of my biblical knowledge and wisdom. I had my head held high telling myself I was going to wreck these countries, sharing the gospel and being the brightest light. I took my first step off of the plane into Haiti and literally felt as if I lost every ounce of biblical knowledge and wisdom that I prided myself in. I felt as if I was just a new believer wondering what is next for my life and how to grow in knowledge of the Lord. I began praying and asking God why I have this feeling. He responded quickly telling me that I had no humility in who I was in Him, so He wants me to start over. So what this is going to look like is waking up every morning craving to gain my knowledge of who He truly is, and who I am in Him. Spending time with my fellow believers, learning from them and their experiences while also teaching them from mine.
Another thing I have been struggling with is the fact that I want all 11 months of my spiritual growth NOW and not have to walk through the pains and struggles of spiritual growth. I want the big picture now. That is not how it works. I am reading a book called “Divine Direction” that talks about how your small decisions and your small disciplines tell your story in the long run. I am learning that rather than worrying myself about the big changes right now, I am focusing on making these small changes in my life that will lead me closer to God, and tell a better story later in my life.
I am claiming that through my confessions of struggling with pride, there will be freedom on the other side, where I can walk in boldness of who I am in Christ, without waivering.
I am also claiming that though this may be a painful and scary journey of spiritual growth, I will remain faithful to God and will allow Him to do the work in, and through me, whatever that may look like.
I am learning again. Eagerly seeking His face.
Humbly,
Preston
