Let me go into a slight backstory before I get into the big point of this blog.
We had debrief in Boca Chica, Dominican Republic at the beginning of this month. It was literally amazing! We were able to just be with each other, worship with each other, and just process what we experienced in Haiti. Through these 4 days of rest, I noticed that many people were struggling in their walk with Christ. What I also noticed, was that I was not. I had such an outstanding joy and satisfaction within me. I didnt take this how many people think I should. I didnt just accept it. I got worried. I know typically that spiritual growth comes through struggles.
I asked God why I was just so joyful. I asked Him if this joy was simply coming from me. Maybe I was doing something wrong and that is why I didnt feel any growth. He told me, “I want you to just have time to rest and be strong for others, be joyful.”
This was a relief. To hear that He wanted me to be joyful and take time off of the hard stuff? I took it with a smile on my face. Now, here is where I messed up. I took His response a little further and anticipated that this joy and satisfaction would last all month. I was excited about all squad month. I was excited that I could just be strong for my squad-mates. Boy was I wrong.
(Here is where the main point of the blog comes in)
I got to our ministry site and almost immediately fell into a funk. I was aggravated, confused, and all around STRUGGLING. I could not find a balance between the ministry we have, intentional conversations with others, and my own personal quiet time. Too many people, and considerably not enough space to be far enough apart for quiet time.
One night, our squad was talking about how we all have strong passions and we are stronger with certain things than others. We were encouraged that if we see someone with a trait that we want, to ask them to pray that over us. Well, I simply wanted to have a deeper knowledge of who God is. The characteristics of God, how He speaks in different ways, whatever you can think, I wanted to take it deeper. So I found another guy on my squad who I feel has the drive and craving to have the same type of knowledge and same strive to go deeper. He prayed with me and encouraged me to seek God’s face in a more intimate way.
The same night, I stayed up late until everyone was asleep and went off to find a quiet space to spend time with God. I wrote out all of my frustrations and hardships and then just asked God to guide me as I read scripture. He kept bringing up scriptures that told me to pray for others. I got a little frustrated because the selfish side of me wanted self fulfillment. But I prayed for others anyway. I wish I could explain to you all the level of contentment and fulfillment I had after I finished praying.
So here is what I learned through that time:
1. I need to completely consolidate myself to have a sure sign that I will have no distractions.
2. What I want is not always what I will get when it comes to my fulfillment.
3. God genuinely cares about you, but wants you to even do things you may not want, even if it means pray for others in a selfish state of mind.
This is one weird month. But God and I are working hard. Growth is on the other side!
Humbly,
Preston
