My month in Jamaica is quickly coming to a close! I have honestly been in a big funk for these past couple weeks. I have been selfish, I have had a bad attitude, and I have felt worthless in ministry, and so on. I want to hit on two things in this blog: the fact that I struggle, but also telling about how I am conquering the struggle and putting my focus back on Christ. If you are reading this, my prayer is that it will help you in your walk with Christ.
Personal space is something that is nonexistent this month. There are 12 people in a house surrounded by 2 villas, and other houses with little to no space to go without trespassing. Our ministry has been construction and we have been leaving early in the morning and returning late at night. On our days off, we have access to wifi, a KFC, and other exciting places. Needless to say, there are many distractions and hardly any down time. What I have done is completely abandoned my alone time with Christ (it is so dangerous). Through ignoring my time with Christ, I have turned into a new person. I have not been showing the fruits of the spirit, I have been impatient, and I have grown to be selfish. The good thing with all of this, is that when living in community with other believers, you finally come to a point where you see that you are completely wrong in your actions and mindset, and that God is just waiting on you to come back to Him.
It is a miserable feeling when you make the decision to try and live this spiritual walk alone and leave God behind. I do not know why I feel as if I can do this all on my own every once in a while. I understand I am flesh and will always fail, but for some reason, I feel like I can find my happiness elsewhere. I AM SO WRONG IN THESE TIMES! That is not how it works, so why do I even try to do this? The answer is simple: the lies of satan. I heard recently that the most evil trick the devil can play on you is convincing you that he is not even there. And that he has done to me.
I got sick and tired of having these feelings of being incompetent, worthless, and useless. So last night, I went to my room and listened to a podcast by David Platt. He was speaking on the most universally known verse, John 3:16. He talked about the true love of God. He went on to talk about how as Christians, we keep this love that is free for everyone to ourselves. We hold the key to many people’s destiny and fate for eternity. He said, “Privatized Christianity is a profound curse across our culture, and the church. Around our culture people say, believe what you want, but keep it to yourself. Cultural pressure is silencing the church.” As I sat and listened to this sermon, I felt conviction for abandoning my time with God, and trying to do all of this myself. I abandoned the God who sent me on this journey in the first place, but more importantly, loves me to no end. This is what God said to me, “What are you going to do with the love I have given you? Keep it to yourself because of fear? Or share it with the ones who are craving LOVE right in front of you?” We have a choice to go and tell the lost world about the love that God has for anyone! So why do we hold it to ourselves? My thought process through this time was this: How am I going to tell people about Jesus’ love for them when I do not even spend time with Him in the first place? This is when the moment of repenting came to life. I poured my heart out to Jesus, apologizing for attempting to do this on my own. It is such a wonderful feeling to have God embrace you in your most needed time. I can openly proclaim that once again, God has forgiven me, and is guiding me where He wants.
So yes, I am a missionary, but I am still a human. I struggle daily. But God is faithful to remind us of our purpose and guide us back onto the path of righteousness. So where are you right now? Are you struggling? Do you feel worthless and useless in the ministry God has given you? What do you feel you need to do to get out of the struggle and back with Christ? I would love to pray for you in your time of struggle, because I know that the only way I got through mine is through the prayers of others. Feel free to contact me with any struggles and prayer request either through email ([email protected]) or through messenger on Facebook! We are not alone in this journey with Christ. We are all one body, one in Christ!
Boldly,
Preston
