Alright, let’s break down who I think Judas is.
He wasn’t a bad guy, though I know he is one of the biggest, for lack of better words, villains in the Bible. I can’t help but wonder who he was. Not the betrayer, but the human.
I like to think of Judas as that kid in school who you didn’t really like, but you didn’t know why. He didn’t fit in and nothing was wrong with him, but you wrote him off as weird and of no importance. Judas though, in my imagination tried so hard to fit in. Yet, he never really did. He was lonely, never seeming to be able to find a friend, and he would walk home alone. All of the other boys ran past him, their feet picking up the dust, and all he wanted was to be part of something.
So, he worked hard to show people that he was worthy of importance and that he was worth being seen. I don’t know if they had school for tax collecting but if they did, he went and he worked hard trying to be noticed. After a while though, Judas was being noticed and not for the right reason. The job that he had hopped would earn him respects, instead would be his downfall. In his hurt, he built a wall and pretended like he didn’t care. He started taking more money than was required. Yes out of greed, but also just for a reaction and to feel noticed even if it was for the wrong reasons.
It was a hot spring day and he was sweating on this day. It felt harder than normal to ignore the rude remarks that people were making. Then he saw something— it was a face. It was bathed in a light and the voices in his head seem to leave. The voices of doubt and loneliness faded away, and then he saw the face and the eyes staring back at him. They looked beyond his outward appearance. Seeming to stare into his soul, the eyes went deep. As if all the emotions he had been trying so hard to hide finally showed and he knew that he had finally found someone that saw him for him. So of course he left all the money behind to have someone notice him. It was worth it. Oh, how he loved this man who was more than a average man — this teacher, this miracle worker. Even when others would question him, Jesus chooses him. He never questioned the love that he felt radiating from his teacher.
Yet as weeks turned into months and the months into years his focused slipped and at first he didn’t noticed but then he started having doubts about this man and after the doubts the question came and from the questions the voices came back the voices of greed and the voices why are doing this remember when you where important and then the biggest voice this man doesn’t care about you or love you so he did the unthinkable he betrayed and that day he walked into the temple and told the priests that he was willing to betray the words flowed from his mouth and before the know it he had 30 pieces of silver and yet he couldn’t use them something in him couldn’t look at the money so he hide it but he couldn’t hide the paralyzing fear in his heart.
That night felt like it would never end and how badly he wanted it to end and how he lowered his eyes to avoid looking into the gaze of one who know him so well. The minute ticked in his mind he didn’t know how he got their but then he was in a garden and he was embracing arms that he had hugged before and embracing a face that had seen him and kissing cheeks that would soon be bleeding it all happened in a blur but right before he let go his eyes gazed up and all saw was love and light and he ran trying to run from the shame trying to run away from decisions he had made
Alright, you might be asking me why I am sharing this or heck even writing this, it’s honestly simple I’ve always held a fascination for the disciples and seeing them as humans and wanting to know more about them and there personalities. Often times when we read the story of the crucifixion it is very easy to place judgment on Judas thinking how could he do something like that. Yet I can’t even count the times when I have betrayed Jesus in one way or another and how I’ve allowed doubts and fears to take over what I know is the truth. This season is a beautiful season for believers when we remember all that our Savior did for us but I don’t want us to just skip over the lesson that we can learn from Judas,could you imagine that testimony of instead of him ending his life he went back to the source oh my goodness I can only imagine. Yet when I mess like Judas, I don’t want to go back. It could be because of shame or because I put conditions on the love that Jesus has for me when his love is unconditional. This Easter might look a little different for everyone. Regardless let us never forget that Jesus who died for Peter and Paul men who would not only impact the early churches but impact us today, also died for the man who betrayed him. I pray that this isn’t just something we take for granted or think about during Easter, but it’s something we sit with and are in awe of the depths our Savior went to just to say I love you.
