The impact of Love
Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Love has always been something that fascinates me; love scares me and it always has. I have often asked myself when it got to that point? I can’t pinpoint a moment. So I want to explore all the boys I’ve loved and what they taught me and the impact that they’ve had on me and my view on love.
Let’s start with the men in my family. I was blessed to have a wonderful Poppa. I don’t remember much of my life when he wasn’t my Poppa but I remember the impact he had on my life and how my little heart loved him. He was a perfect example of the first impact a man can have on you and how powerful the love of a father is and should be. He was kind and funny and he loved me and I know it.
Next, let’s move to my brothers. I have always been obsessed with my older brothers! They were giants to me. I would look up at them and think I had the bravest and strongest brothers in the world; They were in my eyes superheroes! We had a significant age difference, yet that never stopped them from having tea parties with me on our lawn, doing my hair, joking around, and making sure I know how important I was. My little heart adored them and all they were!
Okay now for the first love: puppy love. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to take you all all the way to elementary school. To a simpler time when all I really had to worry about was who I was going to play with on the playground. That’s when it happened! I fell madly in love, or so I thought. And how could I not? I thought for sure I would marry him–Plot twist! I didn’t. Yet in my mind he was not only the coolest boy in the WORLD, he was also the fastest boy on the whole playground… I mean, do you know see why I fell in love?
Let’s get a little deeper. I don’t know when it happened but something switched along the way. Maybe it was getting older and learning the disappointment that men can bring. My heroes fell, so I went looking for replacements. I started playing a reckless game with my emotions that even now i’m still trying to undo all the hurt and trust issues I willingly walked into. I laughed off the pain and hurt even when I knew the times I should cry. I tried to find salvation and identity from boys who could never be what I needed, for they themselves were looking for something I couldn’t give.
As I reflect, so many stories of pain and hurt come to mind, yet I can’t help but be thankful for every hurt. I learned something from each man; I learned more about who I was. My poppa and my brothers taught me what good men should look like, and, in showing me that, it taught me the importance of knowing my worth.
The elementary puppy love taught me how pure love is before the world showed me the ugly sides. It taught me to go back to that purity and learn from that young girl who was able to see more the heart behind the human then the physical and just how joyful love is.
For all the others in between, they taught me how just because people use the world love, it doesn’t mean it’s true, and just because someone says they care doesn’t mean they do, and just because they hurt you doesn’t mean you hurt them back as well, and that words spoken without actions are just empty promises. They taught me that I deserve more, and not in the cliche way, but that I shouldn’t have to wonder if someone cares; if a man cares he’ll make sure I know. They showed me what is is I want in a man and the difference between a man and a boy and for that I am so grateful.
Now about the love that matters most: the love that was with me even when I was looking outside of his love for something more. My Father, Jesus. How good he is! He’s teaching me that how even now when I ask him, “Why did all these things happen?” and when I wonder why i’m still hurting from disappointment and distrust of men, He shows me how He was there the whole time; how he was caring and loving me; how when I wasn’t crying, He was crying for me. When I ran from His love, He was running after me! He is teaching me what it is to love and to be loved, that the only validation and salvation is with Him.
