Becoming Me: The Early Years
Let’s rewind to the year 1988, when I arrived into this world. I was born in San Diego, California, to Pamela and John Cron. The third of three boys, I completed a band of brothers-two older than myself. In 1999, we left San Diego, when God called my parents to help minister in a small home missions church in Fulton, Missouri. It was at this very church that I was baptized in Jesus’ name, and filled with His Holy Spirit at the tender age of 8. Most of my childhood memories are rooted in Missouri, as I still call it my true home. For 16 years, I enjoyed the flat lands of the Midwest. The landscape was what most people would expect in mid-America, complete with unending cornfields and dirty dairy cows. Most of the time, I ran around the woods with a hatchet pretending to be a brave adventurer, traveling to foreign lands in my mind; it’s amazing the places you can go as a child with a big imagination.
In 2004, when I was in the middle of my freshman year of High School, life was good. I was comfortable with myself and identified positively with my hometown. By that time, I was the last kid living at home, with my parents. My two older brothers had moved to West Virginia, to attend Marshall University. Little did I know, my whole family would be living together once again-and sooner than we expected. My parents approached me one day and said they felt a calling to move to West Virginia. They asked me to pray. Soon after I had prayed about it, things immediately-and I mean VERY QUICKLY-started falling into place. As a united family, we followed the Lord’s leading, and-before we knew it-we were in Huntington, West Virginia, attending Christ Temple Church.
My Christian Comfort Zone
Have you ever met someone who seems to have it all together-as though they are a happy-go-lucky character in a fairy-tale? That was what my childhood felt like, before moving to West Virginia. Because I had always been a very easy-going person, others enjoyed my company; therefore, I encountered little conflict and genuinely enjoyed being me. Although I was not self-righteous about it, I was considered a “Little Goody Two-Shoes,” and resisted temptation. Everyone around me respected the fact that I was different, and allowed me to be who I was. From my youth, I loved God and earnestly longed to serve him. From the day I was baptized, I discerned a calling on my life to the mission field. Throughout most of my childhood, it had even been prophesied to me that “I would reach nations,” but I just took it lightly and said, ‘Really God? Me?’ You see, I had rested for so long in a comfort zone, under the cool shadow of God’s protective wings, that I doubted who God called me to be. As so many well-meaning Christians do, I innocently assumed that one person could never possibly reach entire nations. However, when God gives us a calling in life there is no way we can RUN or HIDE from it. God will even allow drastic circumstances ‘to shake up the chaff’ in our lives, so we realize the importance of our individual anointing. These times force us to recognize the brevity of His call.
The Downward Spiral
In 2009, I encountered various mental, spiritual, and physical attacks from the enemy. I spiraled down to the lowest point in my life. As I began to withdraw from regular church attendance, I grew callous towards the things of God. This allowed me to become vulnerable to the attacks and blows of the enemy. Through a series of choices, I became numb and desensitized, growing cold and indifferent to the Holy Spirit. The main reason had to do with me being in control. I wanted to dictate my own destiny. How often we defiantly fight the will of God, while unknowingly delaying the development of our personal, unique purpose! In deciding that I wanted to be the one in control, I removed myself from the blessings of God on my life. Just like the prodigal son, I wanted to ‘be the man,’ in charge of my own destiny.
You may ask, in hindsight, what was my huge mistake? Where did I start barreling downhill, like a car without brakes? Simply put, I jumped into a relationship with a beautiful girl who was not at the same depth as I was, spiritually-speaking. In so doing, I allowed myself to fall into temptation, for the first time in my life. To be honest, I felt like I was something big, something special. I began to believe that I was in charge of my life and whatever I wanted to do was acceptable, even to be celebrated. I was convinced I could run my life in isolation, and I withdrew from the people I believed would judge or try to control me. Ultimately, I pulled away from my family and even told my mom that I didn’t want anything to do with God or the church; this crushed my mom and broke her heart.
Along with the sex, I started to party and drink heavily. For a while it all seemed pretty cool, but inside I was slowly dying. I would get so mad because somewhere deep down inside I always knew that my behavior was against everything I had been taught. It was not a part of God’s perfect plan for my life! I didn’t want to give in to that feeling of remorse, but God never let me go. Almost ten months flew by, and the relationship I was in finally ended. I took the breakup badly, to say the least.
One night, my mom called me and asked me if I would have dinner with the family. I didn’t want to, because I was so ashamed of myself and felt like a complete failure. However, I agreed to meet with them. When I arrived at the restaurant, I was greeted with hugs from my two older brothers and my mother. At the time, my father was out of town working at seasonal job. My family didn’t criticize me, or preach Jesus at me; rather, they presented Jesus to me through love. The Love-that I was so hungry for but didn’t know how to get back to-flooded over me, through their compassion that night. Believe it or not, I broke down at the table and admitted to my family that I hated myself. Then I made the decision to move out of an apartment, where I was living with some very close friends (who I am still close to today). Clearly, I just needed to concentrate on getting my life right with God.
This Is Where the Healing Begins
After I moved out of the apartment, I started going back to church-where I expected to be condemned. Surprisingly, I was welcomed with love and open arms. I started reading my Bible daily and still do to this day. The Bible is much more than just a mere book; rather, it is the living word of God. Soon after, things started looking up. I rediscovered the starved spirit within me. God welcomed me to draw closer to Him than I ever had before. Five months passed by, and I developed a devoted walk with God. He remains by my side, guiding and directing me daily.
Wrapping Up One Chapter, and Embarking On Many More
Are we done yet? Almost, but I want to leave you with this to think about. If you are in a place where you feel trapped and confused, now is the time to get out!! I promise you this: if you give your life to God, He will take care of your every need. It wasn’t until I re-dedicated my life to God that his blessings started pouring into my life on a daily basis. God is grieved by your heartache. He loves you and wants to have a relationship with the son or daughter who is reading this blog. Consider answering His invitation. He waits beyond the open door.
Thank you for reading about the beginning phases of my journey. It has only just begun. As I become who God created me to be (a messenger of Christ, one who seeks after Jesus daily, one who longs to feel the heartbeat of God) please continue to pray for His protection over my life. If you follow my blog, I hope that my simple testimony will inspire you to find confidence in Christ, as I have. We are all capable of making the necessary changes in our lives-things we know need fixing-but sometimes we need a small reminder that we have not been forsaken. Let me tell you, God still cares, and He is still in the business of repairing lives. Boldly run back ‘home’ to His arms today, and He will make all things new. You are His chosen child. He will place a ‘ring’ of service upon your finger-a sign of His favor-reminding you of your true identity in Christ.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Philip Cron
