the ugly side of me.

 

Yeah, hard to imagine, but there is one J

It’s been a rough couple of days for this soon-to-be alumni World Racer. I feel like I’m back in my month 6 funk. No me gusta (I don’t like it). To be honest, I’ve been under heavy spiritual attack. As a matter of fact, I still am under attack while I write this. It’s probably not the most ideal condition to be writing a blog, but this may be my most authentic entry yet.

I’ve dealt with spiritual attacks before and they’ve all seem to succumb to the glory of God. But this time around it’s the heaviest I’ve felt it. The enemy is pulling out the big guns and I’ve never been so vulnerable. I have thoughts reflecting about myself and my flaws. My insecurities that I cover up with a band-aid are now being exposed. My personal, inner-most demons are becoming larger and my spirit is becoming weary from fighting off the attacks. With these thoughts of insecurities, I question where these thoughts are coming from. Are they straight from the enemy? Or are they from God in which He is exposing them so that I am aware of what I need to work on? I would like to believe they are just lies from the enemy, but if they are from God, how am I going to heal the wounds? It could be a short and quick or long and drawn out process. Like I mentioned before, my spirit is weary and I’m just so lost.

The insecurities I try and hide always somehow getting revealed eventually. Many people may view me as a “good guy” that lives a “good life.” They’re right. I am a good guy. I do have a good life. I have family and friends that love me dearly. I’ve gotten to travel the world serving God. I have nice things waiting for me at home. But take away all that vanity and you have a man just looking to be loved. You have a man that struggles with the identity of his heart. The struggles of my heart truly reveal that I’m still seeking to find out WHO God really wants me to be.

I do have insecurities at times about my physical appearance. I can try as much as I want to hide underneath tailored suits or countless soccer jerseys, but underneath it all, I still struggle. For example- I used to have pretty rough acne back in the day which caused some scarring around my jaw line. I am quite sensitive about that area, but kids around the world don’t really seem to mind to ask me about it. I know it’s not their fault, but it still gets at me at times. In Africa, when we would go play with kids, they would run up to me and say hello. They would then proceed to touch my face where my scars are and ask what happened. Yeah. Not fun.

I struggle with the idea of rejection. I know rejection is a part of life, but man, it’s not easy. Rejection hurts and I’ve felt it enough times to where I don’t even want to try because of the fear of being rejected. The enemy seems to feed on this insecurity which in turn holds me back from doing A LOT of things. Ideas, suggestions, conversations, and actions have not occurred because I’ve had the fear of being rejected. “that’s not a good idea” or “that won’t make any sense” are just some of the lines the enemy uses to set my path astray.

My biggest insecurity? This is completely out of this world and I know it’s a straight up lie, but it’s the thought that I’m not loved. I have to fight this one off a lot, sadly enough. But why? Why is something so absurd and out of this world something that my spirit needs to defend against the enemy so much? Living with five other people can be a true test of love. We are automatically united by Christ’s love, but when it comes to humanly love, the enemy can easily make it feel like sometimes it’s hard to come by. I’m not specifically targeting any team mate or team because truthfully I’ve had to battle this attack with all three teams. “Well if they really love you Phil, they would’ve done this.” Or “If they really do love you, they would’ve said that.” And sometimes I start to believe those lies. Crazy! The times when I’m not included or involved are when I am the most vulnerable to this attack.

There are a few other things that I am dealing with personally, but for time sake, I won’t go through them all. You may be asking where God is amidst all of this. If He loves us so much, why/how can we be subject to an easy target for the enemy to attack? I could come up with a great theological answer, but it’s late and it’s been a long day. So here’s a short and quick verson….I know my God is there. He is watching over me and letting me fight my own battles. He has taught me enough for me to defend myself. And if things get too deep then He will do His part and step in.

Spiritual warfare is REAL. It hurts and it can take a long time to recover. Tonight I was hit HARD. There were frustrations with communication; patience was an issue, and a few other things happened that were worthy enough to send me down the wrong path. After dinner was probably the moment I got hit the worst. The enemy got the best of me and I journaled TWO pages full of lies. I have NEVER done that in my life. I allowed the enemy to win and my heart continued to break as I was starting to believe the lies that were being written right before my eyes.

I will continue to seek the Lord for strength. My confidence comes from Him. Confidence that comes from the Lord is what will take my insecurities away. As much confidence as I get from Him, there are still times when I can become vulnerable. I mean, c’mon, we’re human. This is where I need your help, prayer warriors! I am turning to you because I know your prayers are heard. Your prayers were heard when I needed financial support to finish the race. Your prayers were heard when you asked to keep us safe/healthy. And I know your prayers will be heard when you pray for an extra coat of armor to fend of attacks from the enemy. I kindly ask that you pray that God will work through my insecurities to heal those wounds. I ask that you pray for guidance and provision as I finish these last two weeks of the World Race. Pray that the enemy cannot rob me of these two marvelous weeks left with my team/squad.

So yes. There is an insecure side of me not many people see. Not even my teammates. For a majority of the time I truly am happy with myself. But those times where I am most vulnerable to attacks are when the ugly side of me shows up. I start to think negatively about myself and I start to believe the lies the enemy hands to me. One day I know I’ll be thankful for this situation because I will have learned so much. I will use it as a true testament on how God delivered me from all of my fears and insecurities. I’m thankful for the experience of The World Race which has brought out the good and worst of me. And I’m thankful for my team(s) who have truly loved me through my best and worst times.

We have come a long way together, haven’t we? Let’s not stop working together. Not now. Not ever.