How do you convince someone that you’re worth their time?
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve struggled with this thought. Having two older brothers, everything I did was compared to them.
“Zach and Austin took all advanced classes, why wouldn’t you?”
“Zach always has a job, why wouldn’t you?”
“Austin went to a division one school for athletics, why wouldn’t you?”
It doesn’t seem so bad..if you leave it at that. The thing is, even if I did those things. Even if I did what my brothers did, and even if I did MORE..it never seemed good enough. I could always do better. I could always be better. In the end, the effort I gave was never worthy of praise.
It was never out of malice, though. My parents wanted to see me succeed and enjoy life. They never pushed me in a vengeful way, they just encouraged me to do my best. What I did never seemed good enough to me. What I did could always be better in my mind. The effort I gave was never worthy of praise because I didn’t accept the praise that was given.
I didn’t think it really affected me, though. It pushed me to be better. It forced me to try harder. It made me strive for perfection.
I never thought much of it. I thought it was normal to basically be considered mediocre. I thought everyone experienced the feeling of inadequacy. I thought that was just..life.
Because of this, almost every friendship I’ve invested in has been one-sided. All my life, I felt inferior, so I pursued my friendships solely with the other person being the focal point. All conversations were about that person. All questions were about that person. All feelings, all topics, all interests, desires, dreams, frustrations..all everything revolved around the other person.
I never thought it was weird. Because they never questioned it either. Who wouldn’t want a free personal counselor? Who wouldn’t want someone to only be concerned about their well being? Who wouldn’t want to talk about themselves the whole time and not have to talk about or wonder about the other person?
The really odd thing is I didn’t know how odd it was. I didn’t see the fact that it was one-sided, the fact that I wasn’t really getting anything out of it, because it made everyone so happy.
I saw joy on their face when I helped them through a problem.
I saw joy on their face when I asked about their life.
I saw joy on their face when they got to vent, gossip, talk, or just pour out their feelings.
And the joy I saw on their face brought me joy. So I never questioned it. I never thought it was weird. I never felt the need to share anything about me because they were already so happy sharing everything about them, why chance that? Why chance their joy?
I never thought it was weird..until the other day. My squad leader, Logan, was talking to me. I find conversations with our leaders SO. STINKING. WEIRD. because they ask me questions. They pursue my life. They try to get me to talk. And that’s not what friendship has really ever been about for me.
For the past four months, I’ve subconsciously put up a front when talking to the squad leaders. I’ve never had people want to know me, so I’ve been hesitant on the details I give. Not because what I’ve done or what I think is bad, but because I think it really just..doesn’t matter. I think it isn’t important. I think it isn’t worth their time.
What Logan said to me the other day struck something deep down inside. It made me realize that friendships aren’t supposed to be one-sided. It made me see that people are supposed to care about your life. It made me understand that I’m supposed to listen to people talk about themselves, but I’m also supposed to be free to tell them about me.
Logan told me that one day he looked at me and God said to him, “She thinks she’s second best.”
No truer words have ever been said to me.
I know I’m a child of God. I know I’m a daughter of the Most High. I know I’m a bride of My Creator.
But I still struggle feeling unworthy, feeling inadequate, and feeling second best. Sometimes on my team, I feel like no one cares. I feel like the only thing I have to offer them is being in charge of our finances. I feel like they see me as a soccer player and nothing else.
So how do you convince others that you’re worth their time?
Convince yourself first.
