“Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.” -Micah 7:18
Have you ever yelled at God? Like really, truly, fully-fledged given it all to Him? Told Him everything on your heart. Every struggle. Every anger. Every frustration.
About life.
About how unfair life can be.
About how..sometimes, you just can’t take it.
Have you ever yelled at God?
David yelled at God. Oh boy, did he ever. He let God have it. When his emotions were overtaking him, he didn’t try to restrain. He let it all out. In Psalm 6:2-3 David says, “God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here.”
If you love me at all.
David’s words, not mine. But OUCH. I’m sure at some point in my life I’ve said those words to someone. I may have even thought those words about God, but I really can’t recall a time that I verbally announced them to Him. That is, until recently. I’ve finally understood that it’s okay to yell at God. It’s okay to let Him in on my real and raw emotions. Why? Because He already knows them. By attempting to hide them from God, I’m only fooling myself. I’m only giving Him a piece of me. A part of my thoughts. But not all of it. If I’m not being real with God, then I’m not diving all in to this Christian lifestyle.
He deserves the truth..so here it is.
Thailand wasn’t enough, God. The time you gave me wasn’t sufficient. The ministry wasn’t finished, God. The relationships weren’t completely filled. It wasn’t enough, God. And that’s not fair. Leaving wasn’t hard, it was unbearable. Saying goodbye didn’t hurt, it ached. Finding the silver lining isn’t difficult, it’s impossible.
I wanted more, God. We saw so much real and tangible success in our ministry in Thailand. At the cafe we worked at, we built relationships with the girls. We loved them and they loved us. And then we left. At the bars we went to, we built relationships with the girls. We showed them Godly love and they loved it. And then we left.
We worked with girls that come from broken past’s and girls that are currently in broken present’s. We worked with these girls and were told to show them love. The kind of love that is eternal. The kind of love that is everlasting. The kind of love that doesn’t leave, doesn’t forsake, doesn’t hurt. The kind of love that Jesus displayed. We were told to show them Godly love. We did show them Godly love. And then we left.
How does that make sense, God? How is that fair, God? How is that okay, God? How can that be helpful, God?
God, if you love them at all, get them out of there.
They deserve so much more, God. They are worth so much more. They have the potential for so much more. But if we go to the bars a few times a week for 3 weeks. If we tell them these things a few times a week for 3 weeks. If we show them the love they deserve a few times a week for 3 weeks. THEN WE LEAVE. How does that make us any different, God?
It’s not fair. It never will be fair in my mind.
Break in, God. Break up this fight they are fighting. My time wasn’t sufficient, but your time is unending. You can do anything. Everything.
Why won’t you do it, God?
Why did you let me leave, God?
It wasn’t finished, God. It wasn’t enough.
My time is up, God. I’m not in Thailand anymore. I’m not with these girls anymore, God. I had to leave and go to Malaysia. So it’s your turn, God. You’ve used me for 3 weeks in Thailand, now it’s time to use someone else. I pray you continue, God. I pray you keep showing those girls love. Love through more missionaries. Love through more Christians. Love through as many people as it takes. To show them they are worth more. To show them they are precious. To show them they are priceless.
My time wasn’t enough, God. But you..you God. You are enough.
You always will be.
I know you have a plan, God. I know you always do. I trust in your plan, God. I just hope it’s sometime soon.
It’s okay to pull a David every once in a while. It’s okay to yell at God. To be angry. To be frustrated. But at the end of the day, we have to understand that He does what He does because He knows what is best. In Psalm 6:8-9, David continues on to say, “at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered.” At the end of the day, at the end of the prayer, we have to trust Him.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” -Hebrews 13:8
