A season of surrender.
What a beautiful word, in all that it encompasses, but yet such a challenging concept to grasp. “To give in”, “To submit”, “To give way” — these are all definitions that pop up as I Google the word surrender. I don’t know how long God has been calling me to embark on this season of surrender, but let me tell you, I am shoulders deep at this point. I distinctly remember sitting at a Friday night church service, head down, eyes closed, and palms open during a moment of prayer. The voice of my pastor surrounded the room, “Some of you in this room need to surrender certain situations in your life to the Lord.”
“Fundraising for The World Race,” I spoke in my head, “Yes God, I’ve given that up to you already. I give it all to you, for you will provide upon your timing.” It was only in that moment that my heart was overwhelmed with Gods touch. God was challenging me to dig to a deeper place. He churned places deep in my heart that I didn’t even know were filled with unresolved pains. He brought me to the paths of my past. Paths that I thought I had burned and diminished into thin air, under my own control. These past situations that I tucked away purposefully, never intending to pull up, now sat at the surface of my heart. Out of hiding, into an opportunity of surrender.
God said, “No, sweet daughter. Surrender these.” I have never been so blindsided. Where did these harbored feelings come from? Again, my pastor spoke, “Allow God to mend those healthy relationships that are broken because the devil has had a hand in them.” God was calling on two broken relationships in my life that had great measure and weight in my life prior to the “breaking”. One relationship God was calling on was a friendship that I held dear to my heart, where selfish actions and miscommunication allowed our bridge to snap in half. Further, a relationship where both parties were not willing (or wanting) to forgive (or forget). Immediately remembering the anger that I wrote this friendship off with, I felt Gods love overpowering my emotions, my soul, and my spirit in this moment. I felt flushed with a softness I was unfamiliar with. A softness upon my heart, and a yearn to massage this deep, infected wound.
God reassured me that 1. I had kept control over this situation and did not properly heal because I did not surrender this path to Him, and 2. That His plans for this friendship and this healing were far greater than my palms would ever have a hand in.
The other relationship God pulled up was my past romantic relationship for 4 ½ years. Now, you can only imagine the friendship and relationship that developed over 4 ½ years. God has recently called me to a walk of singleness with Him, ultimately ending these written chapters. With that, I figured I could handle fixing everything with this relationship on my own, in my own control, with my own timing. When I came to the realization that I was completely wrong and I wasn’t trusting nor having faith that my God would take care of it all (as he always has), I was crushed.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” Psalm 23: 1-3
I cried. I cried for a good, long, hard time when I left that service. Where did I think I was going with these harbored, self-controlling actions and emotions? Did I really think that I could comfort my own brokenness? I was scared for what was to come if I completely surrendered my situations to the Lord, but with those emotions I knew I lost my vision of how gracious and careful God is with my heart. Of how HE is our ultimate healer. I became my own God for a hot second, and I am so thankful that he pays attention to all the details of my soul and knows my heart. I am not one to handle hurt on my own, neither am I to be able to heal my hurt. So, I am thankful for this walk of surrender that God has me walking, because it did bring out the ugly that I was hiding in my heart that I did not even know was still there.
Reaching out to both parties, only by conversations of the Holy Spirit, I have whole-heartedly been humbled by apologizing and expressing these harbored feelings. Only by the grace of God has God touched and mended broken bridges, and crafted new paths for both of my broken relationships to walk on. Paths of love, laughter, encouragement, empowerment, and forgiveness. As an update today, my previously broken friendship has currently flourished immensely in Gods light that has brought warmth, guidance, comfort and peace in the cracks that were made deep and made by intention from the devil. For such a time as this that God brought us back together after two years of silence, our hearts overflow with immeasurable amounts of joy for our renewed, refreshed friendship. As for my previously broken relationship, God has laid such a gentle hand upon. We are still maneuvering throughout the healing process, but constantly encouraging one another to fix our eyes on Jesus because there are so many blessings to be found within this specific walk. He has brought understanding, honesty, a new perspective, and a softened heart of thanks to love one another with where we stand beside Him.
Where are some parts of your life that God is asking you to surrender so he can begin your healing season? Yes, it is possible to heal those deep dark wounds – you just have to be wiling to surrender to Him and he will do the rest.
Thank you Lord for walking me through a season of surrender that I am now able to look at and know that this will only guide me closer to you and wrap me deeper in your love, ultimately loving others the way you love us.
Your daughter,
Pelemarie Buika
