Oct 19, 2012.
End of week 3. 7 more weeks to go.
Our daily classroom
So how has school been?
Lots of ups and downs.
To be very honest, for some strange reason, I’m not enjoying
here as much as I thought I would. I really wish I could tell you that I
absolutely love it here, but I’m not. It’s not like I hate it, but it’s just
not amazing. However, God is definitely doing stuff in me and I know in my gut
that it’s where I’m supposed to be for this season.
It seems like every week is a different lesson in itself.
During the first week God had to once again reaffirm my identity in Him.
Identity issues hit me every now and then especially right before or after I’m
called to leadership. Our house of 12 girls does not have a staff member (house
mama) staying with us, so they asked me and Ellen to be assistant house moms.
Obviously I said “no”. Haha. I’m always not interested in leadership but yet
get called everytime. Finally I consented.
The reason why I did not want to take that position was
because I remembered how carrying the mantle felt when I was team leader on the
World Race. I remember how God broke my heart for my teammates and I’m suddenly
concerned about them, it was like they had become my ministry. This was very
unlike me as I am not a very relational person but often times have to ‘make’
myself go out and talk to people. I remember being challenged to be intentional
with them, really getting to know them and how their heart was doing. I
remember it being very challenging and draining for me. Not at all something
that I liked to do.
Right after I accepted the position as house mom the enemy
hit me with lies of unworthiness. One morning I couldn’t even sing the song “I am royalty. I have destiny. I have been
set free. I’m gonna change history”. I could sing it over others with “You are royalty”, but I couldn’t
declare it over myself at all. It was ridiculous.
God then gave me picture after picture of who He has made me
to be – an empowerer reaching into the
strategy room in heaven who began pulling down new weapons and placing them in
others’ hands. Because not everyone had access to those new weapons, it was
almost like I put the weapons in their hands, pushed them forward and said “Go!”
Then there was the other picture of Queen Esther who had
such a kind and compassionate heart for her people. It was authority combined
with compassion. Once again, I stepped back into royalty.
I’m telling you all this not to boast about myself but just
to share with you my realization of how you cannot operate out of not knowing your identity. I felt
paralyzed when the lies of unworthiness were hitting me, there was no life at
all. I knew that nothing anyone said would have made a difference then, but God
alone had to bring me through it. And faithful as He always is, He did.
As of right this instance I’m writing this, I am still
asking God to give me His love for my housemates. I have not been super
intentional with spending time with all of them for there are quite a lot of
them! 11! I honestly cannot say that they are people I will be seeking after
school yet (sounds horrible, I know). Pray for me that God will give me new
love for them each day, even through all the 1001 differences. I know that
there’s no capacity out of purely myself to love at all. It is Him that has to
step in.
Matt 22:37-38
“Jesus replied, ” ‘You must love the Lord your God with
all your heart, all your soul, and all you mind.’ This is the first and
greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love you neighbor as yourself.'”
On another note, there are 4 of us World Racers here, so
sometimes we have feedback! Yay for feedback! Hahaha
