It has never been my goal to be in a situation where I didn’t have control. Not having control has always felt like a weakness, which has then led to insecurities. And who has time for insecurities and weakness?? I certainly don’t, but yet I find myself at a place in my life where I’m not enough and there is no hope of being in control. The funny part is I’m perfectly ok with it.
I applied for an 11 month mission trip that carried a price tag of $18,017. The first thought that went through my mind was 11 months is a long time. The second being that the funds I had laying around didn’t even come close to $18,017. I knew I could live with the sacrifice of time because I knew that I would learn more about God, life, and myself in those 11 months than I ever would have in a class room. So, what about the money? My reaction was to work for it. Anything worth having is worth the hard work that it takes to obtain it. I set a goal to not only pay for part of the mission trip but to pay for it in its entirety. For the next 13 months, my life was centered around this goal. It was tough at first but once putting family and life on the back burner became a routine, it was a lot easier. I worked anywhere from 35-57 hours a week for approximately 339 days. During the long weeks, when the hours would start wearing on me, I would always keep in mind the end goal was an investment I was making for my future. I had complete control of my situation. As of today, September 16, 2017, I have given $9,300 to my World Race account. I don’t share this number to boast in what I have done. There is no pride in the words that I have typed. There is a massive amount of shame though. After emptying accounts and giving 100% of my effort I have completed 52% of my goal. If this were school, 52% proficiency would be a failing grade. Sitting here on this day I am not in control, I have failed. Even though both the effort and attitude were there, it was not enough. I put my life on hold to be 52% successful and Satan used that weight to make me feel alone and weak. This is where pride sat in and I scrambled to figure out how I was going to pay the rest of the amount. I quickly realized that I exhausted all my options and I was standing in a corner. This was the place in my life where insecurities and weakness ruled.
As uncomfortable as I felt, this was also the place in my life that I learned. God showed me that I had been focused on operating under my own power. I have learned so much about myself in the last two months. One of them being that I had a false self that I put up when I wanted to feel secure. It was as if there was an image that I wanted the world, friends, and family to see instead of my true self. In ol’Southern terms it would be spoken as “fake-it till you make-it”. The Payden that I saw myself as didn’t have bad days. He was a strong guy that had the right answers. When asked the typical “What are your plans for your life?” he gave the answer that inspired the person who had asked. When a young man would look at you and say “I can see myself as a doctor”, you would think “Oh, that’s awesome,” or maybe, “I bet his parents are proud”. It’s not that it was a flat out lie, because I can honestly see myself enjoying helping people in possibly their darkest hour. Truth is I have a love-hate relationship with anatomy and homework so Med school would be a drag. But back to the point, I found my identity in the Payden I had in my head. The strong, confident Payden who had everything under control. So when presented with difficult situations I would develop insecurities because I didn’t measure up to what I thought Payden should be. But I now find comfort in shrugging my shoulders, smiling, and answering “I don’t know but I’m looking forward to figuring it out.” You see the issue was I had my identity, I had control of it but my identity isn’t in me it’s in Christ.
The amazing fact that I had never considered is that even though I had such a high idea of who Payden should be, God’s version is exponentially better. Instead of seeing myself as someone who is a strong individual that doesn’t show weakness, God says He is our refuge and strength (Psalms 46:1). When I find myself backed into a corner God says “fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). That is why at the first part of this post I pointed out that I’m in a place in life that I’m not in control and the I was perfectly okay with it. You see I could look at my situation as an optimist and see my cup as 52% full. I could also choose to see my situation as a pessimist would and see my cup as 48% empty but the fact is that I don’t own the cup. The money is going to take care of itself because it is God’s funds anyways. Some people are called to go and some are called to send. It is all of our journey and I’m looking forward to sharing it. We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). So if you have read this far please hear my heart and vision.
The World Race has given me the opportunity to hold the hands of elderly, Alzheimer patients and watch their faces light up as we sing Gospel songs to them in Romania. As well as growing me in evangelism on the streets as I press into being bold with my faith and seeing people through God’s eyes, not through my own. God has also used the simple game of basketball to open doors to minister to the youth in Serbia. Time and time again I have seen God move in situations. My vision for the next 9.5 months is to not miss an opportunity to share the love of God with the people I come in to contact with, no matter the price. Support can look different. Prayer is the greatest need, pray for open hearts as my team and I make contact with people all over the world. Pray that we have God’s eyes and hearts. Pray for safety because Satan would like nothing more to hinder the progress. You could also share this post. On Facebook, to a coworker, to your church, maybe to the guy you pass in the street. If you feel lead, you can also give financially through my world race blog.
paydensimmons.theworldrace.org
Will you support the journey??
Thank you for your time
– P
