An unfamiliar, startling crow comes from somewhere at an unknown hour of the night. The man awakens, pondering for a second, and then realizes it was a rooster. He secretly makes a note to himself that roosters actually do crow early in the morning. He wonders if the others have woken up – if they were now laughing slightly internally like himself – or whether they were annoyed at such an interruption to their entitled sleeping hours. He closes his eyes and the dimly lit tent turns back to unknown blackness. He falls back asleep pondering something about roosters that he would never remember, for his consciousness had faded to the place of thought that is so close to unconsciousness that it couldn’t possibly be remembered.
When he woke up for the second time, the sun shone brightly, and voices traveled strange paths around unseen edges. He heard a muffled sound that made him curious about what people in the World had to say about this new day. He heard dogs bark and run as he mentally prepared to engage the World as a human surrounded by everything new and different. A feeling grabbed at his soul that he didn’t feel he could quite express, except perhaps by his voice, at which when he first used was a confident expression mixed with a confusion of not knowing anything.
As he thought about what laid ahead as he woke up that first day in Ecuador, he craved adventure, uncharted paths, and journey. He also reminded himself of a still disappointment that expectations and reality can bring, as well as to the real purpose he was there. Three Words ran through his head when he thought about his purpose: intimacy, community, and mission. That is, intimacy with God, community with believers, and mission to the non-believers.
When he thought about his purpose in the place that everything was new, he continued to ponder as he often did: why couldn’t he hear God? He had heard stories all the time, yes, so often that it made him so curious about what people specifically heard when they said “and then I asked God, and he said yes, do this thing,” or “I felt lead by the Spirit to talk to them,” or “I had this vision or dream from God” or even still, “I am going to do this after we get back because God told me.” As he pondered why it seemed that everyone, but him, could hear from God, he concluded that either they are all crazy and think their own thoughts or chemical reactions are from God, or that he, himself, wasn’t pursing a personal relationship with God.
He started to pray. Not at a time that he was fond to pray at either, being around other people, and on a walk. It wasn’t proper, it wasn’t by himself after reading the Bible. It was at some random time of day that he was saying Words in his mind directed at what he hoped was God. If I intend for the words I am thinking to be directed towards God, they are going to God, right? he thought to himself. He was becoming more consciously aware of his prayer than any prayer before. It seemed strange for him to be praying for a moment, despite having done the very thing many times before. He prayed God, I pray that your Spirit could speak to me, that you could speak to me today, I hear stories from others about how you speak to them, I want that to…”
He then waited, looking at the World as he walked, trying to listen, looking up, looking down, not really sure where to look at all, isn’t God everywhere? he thought. He concluded that it didn’t matter where he looked, or if his eyes were open or closed. Nothing came.
As he rode the blue buses filled with many Spanish speaking people, he tried to appreciate the green, wide, and tall mountains as much as he could. He was surprised by the amount of stray dogs, and took in what the ministry that he was doing. He thought the ministry host that he had was such a blessing as she would give him and his team mountains of food. He found it interesting as he painted, picked up trash, sanded, painted again, moved rocks, and taught English throughout the week. Will this advance God’s kingdom in the end? he thought to himself. He concluded that time would tell. He also concluded, that at the very least, they were helping the community they were in, shining a light, that hopefully would not be forgotten.
Through it all though- all the new, all the Christian talk, all the funny moments, the fresh food, and roosters crowing- he kept wondering, where is God’s voice? Keep trying, he told himself, keep praying, keep seeking, and perhaps, he thought, he would hear something, anything, that he knew was from God.
