Last week at training camp had some of the most unexpected results. I’m going to tell you about some of them.
First, I’ve gained a new family. I landed in Atlanta and met 50 strangers that belonged to my Q Squad family (picture to the right). By the end of the week, I felt like I had known them for my entire life. These ‘strangers’ are now my family. I would die for them. It’s already been hard being away from them for the last couple of days. Near the end of the week, I was excited and terrified to learn that I was raised up as a team leader. I am the team leader for Team Breakthrough (picture below), consisting of me and six others that I will be traveling around the world with. You will meet them soon in another blog! I love them so much, and we have a lot of fun together!
Throughout the week, there was a major focus on allowing the Holy Spirit to really work in and through you. One night, while a lot of people were engaging with the Spirit and just worshiping with Him, I felt dull. I felt emotionally unattached. I was begging God to do something in me. I wanted it so bad. I stood there for hours begging God to do anything! Nothing happened. After a couple hours of disappointment, I went to bed wondering where I have gone wrong. I was ashamed. I felt like a failure. The next morning, our speaker wanted to address those of us in the room that weren’t able to interact with the Spirit like others were. He suggested that some of us may have a blockage: a wall that we have put up that isn’t allowing the Spirit to change us. After he said that, I immediately began to weep. If you know me…this is really uncomfortable for me to share, especially because I don’t talk about my emotions, and I don’t cry, especially not weep. It was uncontrollable. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t stop shaking…I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t even know why I was weeping. I began to ask God for clarification in the midst of my breakdown. A few people laid hands on me and God began to explain why I was weeping: throughout my life, I haven’t always felt loved like I wanted to. That’s not necessarily a statement on others, but a statement on me and how I have received love. After that realization, I began to go through a soul-healing process. Reconciliation and forgiveness in my heart. Grieving my past, letting it go.
Finally, the weeping stopped.
Then, I began to hear God speak to me. Yeah, I know…crazy!
“Remember how broken hearted you just felt at the thought of not being loved? Well, that’s how you have been treating me. You haven’t been loving me the way I want you to”
And cue the weeping again. It was probably a good hour that I couldn’t regain any type of composure. It was one of the worst few hours of my life, but the most relieving. It was the first time that I truly began to understand where God was leading me and moving me.
God is preparing me in incredible ways to bring His gospel to the world. He’s breaking me down and rebuilding me, so that I can know how to piece together the broken hearts around the world.
PS – I learned a lot about feedback this last week, which I really enjoyed because my love language is Words of Affirmation, so it would truly mean a lot to me if you would comment and let me know what you think! Love y’all !
