Weeks are going by like days. By the time I realize what I wanna do that day, it’s already time to go to bed. I feel like there is never enough time. Just feel like no matter what I do, I am not going to be fully equipped to do the Lord’s will. In less than 4 months, I’m bout to go travel the world with awesome new friends sharing God’s love, and all I want to do is scream! Not shouts of excitement. Not even joy, or delight… I am consumed by the thought that I have to finish “everything” before I leave in July. I am not organized or structured in any way when it comes down to preparing my life a whole year in advanced. What’s wrong with me!? Why am I not filled with happiness? Why do I feel like there is a possible reason for me NOT to go on the world race? Why such the negative attitude in my head lately? Am I not praying hard enough? Is Satan that much stronger than me? AHHHH!!! I just wanna shut off my brain for 5 minutes…
Having the freedom to do what I want, when I want, has always been my favorite luxury in life. I’d rather be dirt poor, living out of my car at the beach, helping strangers, then working an office job 70 hours a week making bank and not having freedom to live life. We were not created to sit in cubicles and rot! Lately, I’ve been trying to hear what God has been telling me to do. It usually takes a good knock in the head to get through to me, and even then it sometimes doesn’t work. I’ve started to have the feeling that He may be calling me to leave Texas completely and commit my life to serving else where. Whoa! Leave TX! Make a whole new home. Not see my family and friends daily. Lord, this is crazy talk… But like I’ve noticed recently in the past, I am way too comfortable here in the states. Too spoiled, too lazy, too self centered. It’s funny how you can try and bargain with God. “Ok Lord. I’ll surrender to this, but first you give me a smokin hot Christian wife and a nice big bank account so I can buy whatever items and supplies I need whenever. I promise God, I’ll even only use it to help people for your glory… ” Ha, sadly it doesn’t work the way a play it in my head. That’s probably a good thing I can’t change His mind. Right?
I’ll be honest… I hate it when the only thing I can do is pray! A friend gets sick, and I can’t make them better. Pray! Someone has financial problems, and of course I don’t have money to help. Just pray! Someone has a death in the family or gets divorced. JUST PRAY! I know I have a problem with being impatient and obedient, but most of the time I feel like I need to take action right away to help someone. I guess its part of the whole seeing things with your own eyes and knowing for a fact that you helped. I struggle with putting all my trusts in God and letting Him take care of it. “I don’t have time for this!!! Lord, I need you to clear all this up by the end of the week. Okay?” But nope, my preferred schedule doesn’t really compare to God’s plan for me. Then again, the over used saying of “life is short” is as true as the bible itself. What choice do I have other than to continue to pray for patients, discipline, and obedience so that I can make the most of this time I have here in this world.
