I don’t want to write this blog. To write it means exposing a part of myself I keep pretty well hidden, and that’s frightening.
Only those closest to me know about my eating disorder.
9 years ago, Anorexia came into my life and took me on a hellish ride for the next several years bringing secrecy, an obsession with being healthy and a whole lot of misery.
Foods were either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. The number on the scale dictated what kind of day I would have and what I could eat.
My life felt like it was spinning out of control on a dizzying downward track. What I ate and how much I weighed were things I could have complete control over.
I could never lose enough weight and be happy.
I could tell you the nutritional content of almost any food, what the recommended daily intake was and most importantly, how many calories were in something.
Calories are like a very delicate, tipsy scale to someone with an eating disorder. The less you take in, the better. You never want to tip that scale to far forward because then you’re losing control.
A lot of people mistake eating disorders for vanity – an obsession with beauty – when they are really about fighting for control when it feels like everything is falling apart.
By the grace of God and continuously falling down and getting back up again, I’ve come out on the other side of this disorder, healing and stronger.
A place I wasn’t sure I’d reach a couple years ago.
I do believe that God will use what I’ve gone through to help others in similar struggles.
If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder, please don’t stay silent! You deserve help. Reach out. You matter.
“But if it’s true You use broken things, then here I am Lord, I’m all Yours.” (Matthew West – Broken Things)
