May I be honest you with you for just a moment?? Like, really honest?
I’m scared. Terrified, actually. Terrified of leaving home for a year, terrified of not raising enough money, terrified of not getting along with my teammates, terrified of not being useful to my team, terrified of messing everything up, terrified. There are moments when all I feel is terrified. In fact, I just had a moment tonight. A moment when everything else paled in comparison to the overwhelming feeling of being terrified about what I am about to do. And, I gave into that moment. I gave into the fear, the uncertainty, the overwhelmingness of it all. I gave in, for much longer than I should have. I started thinking about all the things that haven’t been accomplished. All the money that hasn’t been raised, all the items that haven’t been bought, all the goodbyes that are soon to happen, and all the birthdays and holidays that I’ll miss. I started to let myself dwell on all of that, and I took my focus off of what God was, and is, doing.
I slipped up, for a bit, but then something my discipleship mentor told me creeped back into my head. Words that she probably doesn’t even remember saying, leaped back into my mind: Expect great things from God. Slowly, I started remembering everything that I was confident of, instead of terrified of. Things like, God has called me to this, He will provide. God has called me, He will form strong friendships within my team. God has called me, He will use me for His glory. God has called me, nothing else matters. I pushed all the previous stuff out of my mind, and replaced it with the truth.
Every time I start to worry and become overwhelmed, God does something like this, where He reminds me of who He is, and why He has chosen me for such an incredible journey. So, I’m no longer terrified. Sure, I’m still going to have some uncertainties down the line, before I go, and even while I’m on the field. But, no longer will I allow fear to grip me. I choose to be confident in what God has promised. I’m expecting great things from God.
