I would venture to guess that if you’re reading this blog then you have experienced pain on some level. No, not because of the title, although that also gives it away, but merely because you are human. It’s funny, isn’t it? We as humans are so convinced that we go through pain and hurt completely alone, and yet we ALL feel that way. Together, but we aren’t aware. My race journey thus far has been filled with several ministry types, beautiful people, amazing teammates, breathtaking scenery, and delicious food. I could fill countless blogs with the people and what they have shown me about Jesus and how to pursue Him more passionately. I could write several blogs about the teammates that I now call family and how they love relentlessly. I could show many pictures of the food that has been ingested far too much. I could show videos of children singing to Jesus, and the hope that they bring to a nation. I could. I could easily make this blog about anything but me. But, to do that would be to deny what the Lord has been softly and consistently doing in my life for the past almost four months.
Can we have an honest conversation for like 5 minutes? Can we both agree to take off the masks and look at each other in the face, as who we are, and not who we want others to see us as? I’ve taken mine off, will you place yours on top of mine and come sit with me?? Thanks.
If you are someone who has ever sat with me before, the phrase “God is so good”, has most likely been mentioned quite a few times with the utmost sincerity. You have probably heard me talk endlessly about the Father’s joy, hope, love, and goodness that He pours out unconditionally, and how I love seeing people, including myself, experience these things. It’s true, God is good. He does give joy, and hope, and love. He does, He really does. Those things are a part of my life and the lives of those who trust Him. They ARE things that are freely given. God is good, and pain is also real.
I used to think that feeling hurt and pain and brokenness negated the goodness of Jesus. I used to think that feeling weight meant that you hadn’t given things over to Jesus. I used to think that crying and your heart being shattered meant that you had given up on God’s goodness. It’s not true. None of it.
Jesus, He is good, that is the truest thing, and brokenness is also good. It may not feel good, and you may feel as if you are the weakest link in your community, and that the hurt is going to swallow you, but it is good. You see, in your hurt and pain and brokenness, that is where you truly experience unfiltered dependence on Jesus. THAT is where you are so shattered that you have no option but to look up to Jesus and ask Him to take the pain, to hold it well, and to heal it.
“That’s a lot easier said than done, Patricia.” “You don’t understand what it’s like.” “You can’t possibly imagine the kind of hurt that I have experienced.” “How could you so easily say something that is harder than difficult for me to do?” Because I’m walking through this right now. I know it’s not easy, I really do. I know how gut-wrenching it is to feel your pain in fullness. I know the suffocating feeling of the hurt that you’ve experienced. I know what it’s like to get up and smile through life, never talking about things that shatter you on the inside. I know what it’s like to sit and sob on your bed because you just can’t anymore. I know the anger that you feel at the injustice, at others for not getting it, and for yourself for not getting over it. I get it. In more ways than you know, I get it.
Dearest warrior, I get it. Hurt anyways. Be broken anyways. Let God in anyways. Feel fully, and be freed fully. I know. I know it’s scary and terrifying and excruciating. I know your heart is beating out of your chest even thinking about it. I know your hands are shaking with the thought. Could you look up at me please? I am right here with you, terrified, shaking, and broken with you. I’m struggling with you, I am fighting my own battle while you fight yours. Will you take my hand? Do you feel my pulse, can you see how hard this is for me? YOU are not alone. I am not alone. Jesus, He is holding our trembling hands. He is wiping our hot tears. He is standing in the muck with us, refusing to leave us.
Refusing to leave you.
Refusing to leave me.
I am choosing to hurt deeply. I am choosing to experience pain. I am choosing to cry. I am choosing to let my heart be shattered. I am choosing to believe that God is good. I am choosing to cling to Jesus with everything inside of me. I am choosing to trust what God is doing in this. I am choosing healing. I am choosing peace. I am choosing joy. I am choosing hope. I am choosing love. I am choosing God’s renewal, even when it hurts. Yes, broken warrior, even when it hurts.
