When I started this race as team leader, I was thankful, excited, and eager about what was to come. Leadership was nothing new, but did I really have what it takes to lead in this capacity? There have been times along the way where I have met the end of my patience, lacked motivation, and came face to face with my inadequacies. Paired with moments of perceived success, guttural laughter, and the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit, the accumulation of everything has brought me here – to a place of gratitude and peace in the loving grace of the Father.
I have learned many lessons that I hope to one day share with you. For now, I want to talk about a season of doubt when I wondered if I had what it took to keep going.
Hitting the Wall
In the World Race, there is a myriad of inside jokes and jargon that float around, and years of racers have coined phrases that help sum up common experiences.
For more insight into what I’m talking about, follow @WorldRaceTBH on Instagram!
One in particular is of significant importance to this blog – the wall. I first heard whispers of its existence in the early months of the race, but reports of it striking our squad started surfacing around Nepal. I was confident, thinking that I would be impervious and roll comfortably into the last few months in stride.
Man! Was I wrong!
India knocked me sideways, and I left that month questioning why I was even here… More specifically, I was wondering why I continued to put myself through more pain by sticking around as team leader.
My leaders informed me that if I needed to step down I would be welcome. I recognized that it wasn’t solely team-leading that had me down, but it felt at the time like a burden that I should consider letting go in order to survive the rest of the race.
Tough Decisions
I spent the next few weeks seeking council from my friends and leadership, but they failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to hear – what I should do.
On one hand, I could step down. Team leading had not been easy and I had worked and fought hard for months. My teams walked through many hard things, and it wore on me. Maybe I needed a change of pace?
On the other hand, I knew that the Lord had called me to team lead, and what if I was opting out of his plan for me.
Deciding between right and wrong is something that we learn as we grow wiser, but when the question changes from what’s right to what’s best, the lines become grey and blurry.
Sometimes, the Lord lets you make your own call. When you put your trust in Him, I think he does the same for you. As a Father, God loves to empower his children, and it was empowering. I knew that no matter what I decided, He would be in my corner. That made it slightly easier…
The Turnaround
After looking inward, I realized fear was driving a lot of my thoughts and emotions. When I accepted that and let it go, I recognized what I truly wanted to do. So, I stayed as team leader because I knew that if I decided to step down, I would lack peace about it in the end.
Regret has an intro song if you listen close enough. Thankfully, I recognized it, but I realized that if I was to continue on as team leader, I needed to make some changes.
The first thing I did was remind myself of a few truths:
- This opportunity and any abilities I have are gifts from the Lord
- To whom much is given, much is required
- The Lord called me to give what I have, and what I have is the capacity to lead well
It took some time, but I eventually hit my stride. I stopped trying to fit the “mold” and figured out how to fill the role with my whole self and avoid the temptation to omit certain parts or force it. When I finally accepted the fact that God called me to lead with the empathy, passion, vision, and connection he gave me, I let go of trying to be the leader who has all the details figured out, who knows all the answers, and who makes everyone happy.
Like a tool that was built for a specific purpose, if you try to use it incorrectly, it will wear out quickly. If you use it to fulfill its function, it does the job better than any other tool in the shop. I figured out that I was a metal cutting hacksaw trying to cut wood, and my experiences building roofs in Columbia tells me it’s twice the work and half as effective. He made us all with a purpose and a plan, and when you find what uses all of you without using you up, stick with it. You will do so much for yourself and for others in that place.
