Someone please tell me why I decided to bring my macbook on the world race. Maybe I hoped that I could make sweet videos and market Jesus to the masses! No, my intentions were genuine and truer than that, I would like to think. I wanted to do well to share what God was doing in my life thousands of miles away from home. My plans were elaborate. Each month, I would send beautifully designed emails out to the 349 lucky souls on my email list. Sure, some of them had no idea who I was or how they got on the list, but I was sure they could figure out how to unsubscribe if they wanted. I mean, they had given me their email at some point in the past. It was good stuff I would be sending, so it was okay, I hoped. How else was I going to put my big bad marketing degree to good use?
I had it all figured out all right, and then one fateful day…
Black Screen
Sometimes I feel like I’m staring at a black computer screen when I talk to God. You know, like the one on the matrix when Morpheus first makes contact with Neo. Like Keanu Reeves, I often find myself with a stupid look on my face (I love you Keanu, but your face…) watching random words appear on a screen in my mind. Often, they are asking me to challenge my idea of what’s real in this life, and what’s real of God’s Character. When my computer stopped working in month one, I gave God my requests.
“Lord, I believe that you can fix my computer. Please, let it turn on.”
[As I held in the power button, eyes clinched, feeling the urge to say abra-kadabra or something]
“Okay… Lord, what do you want me to do? What are you trying to teach me?”
“I will provide,” appeared, letter by letter, across the screen.
He Spoke
In month one, I started making my way through a book called Listening Prayer. I still sit down with it every so often to learn more about communicating with God (It’s only a 30 day devotional, by the way, but it’s got a lot of good stuff that takes time to work through). I ask Him all sorts of questions, and I know that under certain situations this could be grounds for a psych evaluation, but I hear Him answering. We talk about all sorts of things, and in most cases, God has a lot to tell me.
Communicating with God is hard. I’m going to be honest. When God said that He would provide, what I heard was that my computer would be fixed. Every time I would pray over it and even as I dropped it off at the Apple Store, something inside told me that I was missing it.
A week later I went with Talia to go see if they had diagnosed the problem.
$15,000.The technician said in broken English. Our jaws almost hit the floor as Talia and I looked at him in amazement.
Oh sorry, I mean $1500.
Not much better if you ask me. He explained that Ecuador has increased the price of all good imported into the country to stimulate the local economy and parts are expensive to find.
Now what?
Misunderstanding
The problem with talking to God is you have to listen to what He says. When you don’t, you can run into problems. My misunderstanding drove me to frustration and doubt in not only my ability to hear God’s voice, but His desire to provide for me.
I was sulking in self-pity, feeling lost, and then something horrible happened. Talia offered to buy me a computer.
THE AUDACITY!
Couldn’t she see that God and I were figuring it out!? Sure, my computer was beyond repair but that doesn’t mean that she can butt in with her generosity. How could I let a teammate buy me a computer? I needed to earn it. So what if God put it on her heart when she first found out that my computer broke? Who cares if she felt like God was telling her this is what she needed to do?
Pride was hiding me from the truth. The truth of what God had really spoken. The truth that He works in mysterious ways and doesn’t always fit in the box I put Him in. The truth that God was teaching me not only about His provision and that He speaks to His children, but that my pride is still hiding in the dark parts of my heart. And He’s ready to shine a light on it.
