That word, abandonment, with all of it’s hollow context, held me in its grip for years. I cringed any time that word was mentioned. It dredged up all sorts of “stuff”, and for a large portion of my life I associated that word with pain, resentment, and anger. My father leaving carved a skewed perception of abandonment into my heart, and the void that remained became a battle ground of bondage vs. freedom.
In preparation for the World Race, I read through Kingdom Journeys by the founder of Adventures in Missions, Seth Barnes. In the opening chapters, Seth pounded on the door of my heart with a gift labeled “abandonment” – an idea rooted in the Gospel. Jesus called his disciples to join him on a journey, where they had to abandon everything that they knew. In Ephesians, Paul writes that we are to throw off (abandon) our old way of life and be renewed by the Spirit. As examples jumped off the pages, I began seeing that my uncomfortableness needed to be addressed. Before I knew it, I was on a journey.
Now, this is not the journey you might be thinking of. This journey took me to see my father, his wife, and my 11 siblings in Sistersville, WV.
Over the years, my relationship with my father and his side of my family has been broken and tumultuous. Connections seldom happen, but when they do, it is either hit or miss. For the majority of my life I couldn’t forgive him for leaving me and not trying to connect. I blamed him for the condition of my heart and couldn’t see that, although he may not have been a good father to me, maybe I had not been a good son to him. I believed that he owed it to me to make the first move, so I rarely put forth any effort.
Something changed in my spirit. Let’s be honest – a lot of things changed. I began to see that although I spent a large portion of my life forgiving my father and seeking forgiveness myself, God had more work to do. A week before graduation, I borrowed my friend’s car, and drove 80 miles to go visit. When I walked up to the door of their house, my heart was beating out of my chest. I didn’t know what to say, or do. I fixed my shirt one last time.
Should I have brought a gift? I could give them a t-shirt. Why did I bring my t-shirts? If I give one of them a shirt, then I’ll have to give all 12 of them a t-shirt. I don’t have that many t-shirts! So, no gift. Well, I could sing them a song. Really, Paris?
This was the first time I had seen them in 5 years…
We hugged.
I gave back rides… for everyone
We took many pictures!
I felt loved.
My heart was a whirlpool. I was surrounded by so much love, and there was something noticeably different about me. Rather than repressing the urge to bring up the wounds my father had caused in hopes of enticing an apology like so often before, instead, I was struck by how beautiful they all were to the point of admiration. They were shining with God’s love and grace, and I was swimming in every moment with them.
As I left, I grieved at the time that I had missed in the last five years. These were my brothers and sisters, and I had let the enemy trick me into thinking that it wasn’t worth the fight. Now I revel in the restoration that God has done; he gave me a new perspective on our relationship, and has shown that he can heal my brokenness if I step into the ring.
In Luke 9, Jesus sent his disciples out to tell everyone about the Kingdom with the authority to cast out demons and heal the sick. His instructions were clear – take nothing and embrace abandonment. As I begin my journey this weekend, I realize that while I am leaving them behind, I’m also abandoning my judgments. I’m leaving behind my resentment. I’m walking away from the attitude of retribution and embracing my heavenly father so one day, I can embrace my earthly dad with the same love.
