As I wrote in my previous blog, I have been working this past week in Thailand at “The Well’. I have loved it so much and have been trying to spend as much time there as possible due to our short time here. During the week my days have been long, anywhere from 9-15 hours, and I’ve been going to bed around 3am due t conversations that come in community living, or just plain not being able to sleep. The intensity of this schedule that I completely put on myself didnt seem like a problem to me. I felt that God has called me here and I wanted to pour out as much as I could. But, this ministry can be very intense, especially going out at night to the bars. Being saturated in that environment can be downright paralyzing, and the heaviness overwhelming. The odd thing was, I felt fine. I saw the darkness and yes, felt the heaviness, but I wasnt going to let that stop me. God on the other hand, had different plans.
On Thursday night we decided to not go out to the bars, but get some rest instead. I was slightly reluctant, but my body was thankful. I fell asleep around 1am (the earliest in the past 3 nights), and was excited for a good nights sleep. Around 230 am I was woken up by an intense dream that left me in a state of feeling flustered. I couldnt tell if this was supposed to be a good or bad dream, and all I can remember from it was watching myself break down and cry. After waking up and not understanding, I sat up in bed and started crying. I didnt know where this emotion was coming from, and I couldnt stop it. Now, I am a person who doesnt particularly like to cry, especially infront of people, so I was thankful that everyone in the room was sleeping. Once the tears had stopped I had this undeniable feeling from the Lord that I needed prayer. So, I prayed. Then the Lord told me “no”, that I needed prayer from someone else. Well, everyone was sleeping, and the last thing I was about to do was wake someone up for a reason I was still unsure of and ask them to pray for me. I sat in bed for a minute contemplating how I could get around this. I even thought of skyping my girls from home and getting prayer from them, seeing the comfort in that and not fearing vulnerability with them. Well, God just laughed at that idea since I was currently surrounded by people who would love to be there for me at any time (even if it woke them up).
I kept trying to suppress this feeling of needing prayer until I heard people outside my door. The January squad had returned to the YWAM base that night because they were leaving at 3am to catch their flights home. Right outside my door were fellow racers, awake, and I knew were willing to genuinely pray for me. So, I got up and walked out. I immediately was questioned by two guys on why I was still awake and when I said I was woken up by a weird dream they responded by “welcome to the world race’. Though there was comfort in knowing I’m not the only one being woken by God, I didnt want to divulge in this crazy thought that God told me I needed prayer. So, I headed into the bathroom, convinced myself I was being crazy, and walked back into my room.
The moment my head hit the pillow, there it was again, God telling me to get up and get prayer. He had provided people who were awake and willing and I needed to be obedient. So, I got up again, opened the door, and immediately asked the first person I saw for prayer. It was january racer Becky, and she was so incredibly sweet and understanding, and prayed over me so intently. Then she started asking me about ministry and whatnot and when I told her how intense I had made my own schedule she called me out on my ridiculousness. She explained to me the purpose for rest and the huge need for it especially in this type of ministry. She was right, and I knew that. I was trying to fill all my time because I thought that is what God had wanted. I thought resting, or taking a break for God was wasting time, when in actuality, it is in those moments that we are to be filled. Even looking at the example of Jesus, it says over and over again throughout the gospels that Jesus “would go off to a quiet place and pray”. It is in those moments of solitude that the Father would fill and direct Him; and if Jesus needed those moments of rest, how much more do I? God had woken me up in the night to allow me to break down, because He knew I wouldnt do it on my own.
So after this wonderful conversation and prayer with Becky, I headed back to my room and instantly fell asleep. I was still being an idiot though because I was still planning on getting up in the morning to go directly to ministry. Luckily, God is a patient God and will take matters into His own hands at the appropriate time. For the first time of the whole trip, my alarm failed to go off and I woke up to late to be able to go. It was so obvious that God was practically yelling at me “Stop it!”. I kept trying to plan my own schedule and control my own emotions, and God finally got my attention and showed me that He is the one who wants to do that. Yesterday was a day that I needed and it was one that God had to directly hand me. I took a day off and the Lord filled me. Following His plan and schedule is way greater than my own and I pray that I would continue to walk down His path instead of mine; because lets face it, it is way more wonderful than anything I could ever plan.
