I can’t remember the last time I had a fever. In fact, I don’t think I can remember the last time I had to go to the hospital for one. I’m used to the type of “sickness” that accompanies the typical cold or sore throat… that may or may not turn into a bad case of bronchitis. I know how to handle that type of sickness. However, as I was lying in my bed last week with a high fever and pounding pain from my head to my ankles- I was in unfamiliar territory. Nothing about getting sick in an outside bathroom, with concrete floors, ants crawling around, and a spider the size of a golf ball staring me in the face on the wall behind the toilet was familiar.
According to the doctor- my body was fighting a bad urinary tract infection, and I needed to take some antibiotics and rest. I found myself getting extremely frustrated. How could I rest in these living conditions, with this sharp pain acting up in my stomach?? I was confused, hot, uncomfortable, and hurting. I was also scared- I’ll admit it. Unfortunately, I found myself regressing back to some old thinking patterns:
“Why God??? WHY ME???? I wish I had my mom here to comfort me. I wish I were at home in my own bed…with a clean bathroom. What happens if this manifests in my body?”
A couple of my teammates prayed over me. They were praying that I would receive the strength to endure. This was a new concept. Why would I want to endure the pain?? Why couldn’t God just stop this from happening and heal me instantly???
Then- it hit me like a brick wall, in true world race fashion. I wasn’t trusting in God. I didn’t believe that He was working behind the scenes on my behalf- even through this temporary pain that I was experiencing. I was suddenly convicted. Yes, I was sick and wanted to be better. But more importantly- I was also quick to question God and revert back to my old way of thinking. I reverted back to wanting instant gratification, instead of trusting that He would bring me through in His perfect timing. I was quick to forget any ounce of faith I had built up. It’s easy to trust God during the good times, but what about these random curve ball situations? What about with the things in my life that I don’t understand or don’t want to endure?
Just a couple days before I got sick- I was talking to my team leader about wanting to be more genuine in my relationship with God. I no longer wanted to feel like I was just going through the motions. One day hot. One day cold. I was telling her that I wanted to know what it felt like to truly be intimate with God. I know deep down that I need to be able to fully trust Him day in and day out…. No matter what curveballs or hardships I may encounter. It’s funny how quickly He showed up through a difficult sick situation to stretch me and grow my faith.
Taking this past week off ministry to recover gave me a lot of time to think and process through some things. I started asking myself questions. Why are there times that I become lazy with my relationship with God? Why am I so quick to question God’s faithfulness in my life? Do I not take Him seriously?? Do I not fully trust that He will be able to protect me and provide for me?
I started thinking about my relationships with others in my life. I began to notice a wall that I sometimes put up against people, especially men. I tend to take things people say with a grain of salt. In my mind, if I don’t truly believe what people are telling me… or promising me… then how could I ever really get hurt? You can call it the aftermath of some wounds from past relationships- a defense mechanism I created to protect myself from the change of getting hurt again. And quite frankly, it has pretty much worked out for me since. However, on the downside- I think it ended up changing my thinking so drastically, that I may have lost track of how to trust at all, which has made it extremely difficult to become intimate with someone again.
After pondering this for awhile- I noticed that my past relationship with God hasn’t been much different. It’s always been a struggle for me to stay patient and trust in His plan for me…. Always a struggle to believe what He does for others, He can and WILL do for me. I read the bible, I hear the promises, I see believe people are healed….. but I´ve always struggled with my faith in Him for myself. It´s almost like falling in love again. I believe love exists. I see it all around me with my friends getting married, etc. But when it comes to me and my life… it´s hard for me to see that coming into play again.
Bottom line- I believe things will happen to others…but when it comes to me- I struggle with periods of disbelief.
I was convicted once again. I want to be intimate with God, full of trust and faith that He has my back no matter what. I understand that there may still be periods in my life where I feel a disconnect from God in one way or another; but I would like to confidently know that I have the genuine and personal relationship built up- that I would be able to endure during those times, remaining steadfast in my faith.
This is my process. This is my world race process- and I’m ready to jump all in. I’m ready to let go of my old patterns of thinking and let my guard down. I´m ready to have faith through the GOOD TIMES AND THE BAD!!!!
There may be times I still get hurt along the way, as he continues to grow me and stretch me into stronger faith, but it will be totally worth jumping all in and becoming intimate with Jesus Christ, my savior.
