After weeks of anticipation- it was finally time to pack up all my gear/clothes for a week and head out to the beautiful woods of Georgia for Training Camp. After stalking many other blogs and asking tons of questions, I learned one piece of advice: to go in with no expectations.
I figured this would be pretty easy, especially since I've never even been on a mission trip before, let alone camping for a week. What could I possibly expect?
Turns out- expectations can swing both ways, and I quickly realized that it was the things that I WASN'T expecting- that caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to feel so alone and disconnected from my squad the first night. I wasn't expecting to text my mom that I had no idea what I had gotten myself into…and that I wanted to come home. And, I definitely wasn't expecting to find unresolved parts of my past that I had buried away. So needless to say- the first couple of days were extremely challenging at camp.
HOWEVER…… I also wasn't expecting for our squad to come together and bond as close as we did after just one short week together. I wasn't expecting to experience freedom from the chains of guilt, shame, and fear that were holding me down. I wasn't expecting to truly feel the presence of the Holy Spirit or hear the Lord's soft voice speaking to me. And most importantly- I wasn't expecting to find love.
I had heard stories from previous training camps about healings and God speaking to people…. and being that this was all completely new to me- I was super excited to jump in and witness some amazing things happen during the week. But that's just it- I would be "witnessing" these things happen- as in sit on the sidelines and observe all the cool things happening around me. Never in my wildest dreams, did I actually think those cool things would happen to me. Once again- the unexpected happened.
Here's where the Holy Spirit/Cupid comes into play:
To set the scene: I've always been slightly jealous of people who said things like "God told me this…." or "God showed me this…" etc. I never understood what they were talking about. I don't know about you- but I can honestly say that I've never heard the voice of God telling me anything. I've heard maybe a whisper… or had a gut feeling telling me to calm down or stop worrying… But I've never had a clear message from the Lord like some of these people describe.
About halfway through training camp, we did a journaling exercise. The speaker prayed that during the next 20 minutes- the Holy Spirit would open our hearts and minds to receive the Lord and what He has to say. I decided to put forth a true effort and not force anything. I told God that I wasn’t going to write anything down- until He spoke to me. You may think that’s stubborn, or even testy…. But deep down- I really wanted to hear His message. I was open to receive it.
About five minutes went by and there was nothing. Then all of a sudden- the word “Still” kept popping into my mind, so I wrote it down. Right after I wrote that down on the paper, the thoughts just started flowing. Before I knew it- my hand was writing so fast that I had filled up half the page. I continued writing everything that came to my mind until she told us to put the pens down. I didn’t realize it at the time, but after showing my friend what I had written- she told me that this was the Lord's love letter to me.
A Love Letter…. At first, I didn’t really get it. But after taking some time to process- it seemed to make more sense. Jesus was begging me to turn to Him. To pay attention to Him, because He loves me so much. I've always known that Jesus loves me and will always be there for me- but it's a whole different ball game when you actually BELIEVE it.
I read the letter back to myself slowly and burst into tears. He really loves me. There's nothing I have done or will do that will turn Him away from me. He loves me without makeup and in my darkest moments… I don't have to impress Him. He knows each and every one of my flaws and still chose to create me the way He did. For the first time, in as along as I can remember- I truly FELT the love of Jesus pouring over me through this simple love letter that the Holy Spirit/Cupid opened my heart to receive that day. I felt a strong sense of heat on my upper back…and knew in my heart that He was giving me a HUGE hug- pouring His love into me.
MY LOVE LETTER:
Still.
Know I am working with and alongside you. Give me your trust. You are so close. Let go of the past AND the future. Be still and live in today, trusting fully and completely that you are my daughter. I have beautiful plans for you. I know you’re heart’s desires, but be Still. Be patient, but persistent. I love you.
Be open and trustworthy. Don’t look back. Have full faith in yourself! Give yourself to me. The enemy is full of lies, shame, and guilt. Know that I am peace. You are mine, and I’m sitting here with you now. Feel me in your heart. Feel my joy I’ve placed in you and treasure it. Be Still.
I love you and am well pleased. I am well pleased. Don’t be so hard on yourself- it’s okay. Share your mind, but seek my counsel first. I am right here. Never doubt me or my process- you are going to blossom. Listen to the promises for you. I love you. You are my flesh and through my image- you will truly blossom.
Stay away from temptations, but all while knowing that I am right there- holding your hand the entire time. I’ve always been here. Through your darkest hours- alone and full of self-pity and regret. Turn to me. Trust me. Give me all of your trust. I am BIGGER than your flaws. Know that I knew you, before you were created. I chose you, just the way you are. You are full of compassion and Love. Through me – spread your gifts………
That's when she told us to put our pens down. PRETTY POWERFUL STUFF. There's no way I could have written anything like that on my own. Especially not in 20 minutes. It usually takes me hours to write/type out a paper. Even this blog has taken me way too long to finish….
But the coolest part: I wasn't even thinking… I was just writing words as they popped into my head, and the entire time I had a burning sensation in my heart that I knew was Him.
A few days went by and it was time to find out our teams. I wasn't expecting to be placed on an all-girls team, but I was. I must admit that I wasn't very happy about it at first. But then we went over team names… and ours became "Team Love Story." I immediately knew that I was right where I needed to be.
The more I get to know the girls on my team, the more I can't wait to start our journey together!!! I'm so excited to travel alongside these amazing women in 2013, spreading the love story of Jesus Christ throughout the nations!! For when people truly realize and feel the love that Jesus has for them- they can be set free!
The Holy Spirit absolutely rocked my world last week in Georgia…. and if this is a glimpse of the year to come- I AM SO READY!!! 🙂
