This blog is long overdue, but to be perfectly honest it is one that I have had a great deal of difficulty writing. The difficulty comes not in sharing but in having the words to express all that has been going on in my heart during the last month. There have been periods of soul searching pain and moments of pure joy.
From the moment I set foot in Cambodia I had a heaviness in my heart that I could not explain. I thought it was just sadness because I had to leave those in the Philippines that my heart had grown to love, but as the days moved on the heaviness did not leave. In fact, it intensified. To add to the heaviness there was a frustration caused by things I could not identify. I also struggled with sickness for the first couple of weeks we were there.
I remember pouring my heart out to God one evening. For the first time in years I did not try to say the right things in my prayer. I simply talked to him like he was my friend. I told him how I was in both physical and emotional pain. I confessed to him that at that moment I did not even know what I was doing on the race. As I was praying, the song Holy of Holies entered my mind. I just kept singing it over and over. The part that stuck out to me was, “Lord I hunger and thirst for your righteousness and it’s only found in one place. Take me into the Holy of Holies. Take me in by the blood of the lamb. Take the cole, cleanse my lips, Lord here I am.” As I look back I can see that God was trying to speak to me through this song but at the time I was hurting too much to realize it.
Things continued like this for a couple more days with both my physical and emotional pain intensifying. Finally, after seeing a doctor for the physical sickness, I asked my team to pray for me. When they prayed I experienced a breakthrough. For the first time since being in Cambodia, I felt some of the heaviness lift. (The rest of the heaviness did not lift until a couple of weeks later. Look for part two to find out the source of the heaviness.) The next morning while worshipping with my team, I felt as if I were truly in the presence of God. I was happy and free. I was even able to pray with a sincerity and passion that I had not had since being in Cambodia.
God continued to show me what He began just a couple nights before: Worship is the key! The kind of worship I am talking about is not just a few minutes during a church service, or when you are driving alone in your car. It is not even when you have your favorite worship music playing on your ipod. The kind of worship I am talking about is all of that and much more. It is a choice. It is a lifestyle. Basically, what I am saying is that God showed me, it does not matter what I am feeling. As long as I hunger and thirst for him and worship him with all I have in me at that moment he will always meet me where I am. He is faithful. He is good. He loves me because he loves me and there is nothing I can do to make him love me more or less!
