This is an honest, vulnerable and real blog. It is just a short confession that I feel convicted to put out there for others to see. For people to know that it’s okay to proclaim to the world and to the people you love most that there is something deep and dark you desperately struggle (present tense) with. Someone out there needs to read this and KNOW that you can overcome this sin, that the Lord is faithful to take it all from us — me included.
I struggle with image. More specifically I struggle with my OWN image. I have always wanted to look perfect, absolutely perfect before others. It hasn’t been until the past few years that I have started a journey of NOT striving as the Lord has been asking me the same question over and over. He asks,
“Who said you have to be perfect, Paige?
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?”
And I do wonder who told me that. I do wonder when it was that I started to justify these actions and why because deceitfulness has been I have experienced since middle school.
I struggle with telling lies in order to portray myself in a better light, in order to be seen as a more put together individual, and for a thousand other selfish reasons that don’t need to be discussed. But believe me, there is grace that abounds. This issue stems from pride and leads to even more pride in the long run. Long and drawn out. In this fight with my flesh, I want everyone to think I am flawless in their eyes so I have a tendency to lie, fabricate, and invent stories — you name it — in order to meet the mark that I feel others have set for me. I have constantly wanted to feel more worthy of being loved and known, always falling prey to these unsaid expectations of myself.
The root of lying in my life stems from a childhood of suffocating from the inability to always meet expectations — of my parents, of my siblings, of my grandparents, of my teachers, of my friends, of anyone that I saw as important. To me loving them was being the girl they believed me to be. I never wanted to let them down, and I most definitely don’t want to hurt them now in confessing all of this but did tell a lot of lies to be everything they were asking of me.
Sin becomes familiar and the devil knows how to tempt us in comfortable ways. It’s obviously not good-natured of the enemy and it leaves us feeling like fools for having to walk down similar roads of turmoil and heartache in dealing once more with wickedness. We choose to give it all to God fully yet again. For many years in my teenage years my lying was compulsive, but thankfully the Lord has shown me what a life of truth and grace looks like through a relationship with Him and while I still struggle the lies have lessened.
But Jesus. He is the one who breaks the temptation to self-protect— and gives the vulnerability of Himself. In the sharp edge of grief, Jesus doesn’t look for something to fill the broken and alone places. He takes and gives thanks. He breaks and gives away pieces of Himself so that others too can experience the fullness of the life He gives. 1
So, I say thank you Jesus for this struggle of lying and I give it back to Him for His glory. So that someone else can break free of lying. So that someone else can know that there’s victory. So that in the midst of intimate betrayal, I don’t justify my actions rather confess them so that God becomes the broken way that brings freedom.
The Lord has worked so tediously and with intention in me on this issue and I have come great distances, but realistically there are many more mountains to climb and valleys to sit in and ask God where to find this unexplainable peace and joy. This root has resurfaced on the Race as there has been times and with friends/teammates that I have not been a woman of integrity, have lied, and haven’t been able to keep my word in the empty promises spoken. The taste of this sin of lying still sits fresh in my mouth. Deceit has a way of tearing all those you love down with your own reputation. I don’t deny that I need to mature up and trust God more.
Yet is there a grace that can bury the fear that your faith isn’t big enough and your faults are too many? A grace that washes your dirty wounds and wounds the devil’s lies? A grace that embraces you before you prove anything—and after you’ve done everything wrong? A grace that holds you when everything is breaking down and falling apart—and whispers that everything is somehow breaking free and falling together? 2
Just as He’s a Father that never leaves the one behind, He never leaves sin and areas of growth unaddressed.
My heart aches most certainly in all of this. This may seem like a shock to people that love me and it is everyone’s initial reaction to suggest everything I have ever told them is a lie. But that’s not true. That is a natural human inclination — to call me a liar and not see anything I have done, said, or been as genuine. I don’t blame you for that, but let me challenge you to soften your own heart and ASK to know parts of my testimony. Here is my plea that as I gear up to head home in 33 days that if you haven’t heard the miraculous things the Lord has done and IS DOING in my life, that you would ask.
I am being completely and utterly honest here and it scares me because the enemy whispers that everyone will run for the hills…but I know it’ll be worth it. God loves me too much to not fight for me in this. Why wouldn’t I want all of my sin, shame, guilt, and gunk to come out of my heart while on EARTH versus than before the Lord when I meet Him face to face ?
Shame is a bully but grace is a shield. 3
I am thankful for the uprooting process He has started in my life and am wanting to let others into it. If you have ever struggled with lying, stretching the truth, or speaking empty promises you are not alone and I am here for you. God is SO gracious to keep His promises too.
Somehow in God’s world there is good brokenness that grows out of every scar and wound we will ever suffer. 4
1,2,3,4 sparked from the amazing book by Ann Voskamp, “The Broken Way: a daring path into the abundant life”
