I have felt like a ghost these past few days being back and not knowing what to tell people about training camp besides “it was hard.”
But I found myself itching today to write the words that my heart has known all along, a lesson that sank in deeply during these past few days in Georgia:
To be able to serve others well, you have to have served yourself first. And not some half-efforted service either. You must have done it well.
For the past 21 years I have always seen others as more worthy of my “service” or love than myself. And a shocking fact sunk in day 5+ of training camp, we live in a world where it’s rare that a person would put themselves down as one of their favorite people. You are probably thinking to yourself, “Paige that makes sense, as Christians we cannot love ourselves, that’s selfish” and as much as I would love to agree with you…I don’t. WE are neglecting the fact that there’s something inside of us that gives us the permission to say “I AM MY FAVORITE.” That’s Jesus. Real and true. Because the Holy Spirit is inside of me and you, we are able to proclaim boldly that we love what He has done in us and we love ourselves BECAUSE He is there too. Amongst every single heartbeat and pulse, every bit of gunk we hold captive in our souls and the JOY we inflict onto others, Jesus reigns in us. I am my own favorite because He has chosen to make me, me. I am nothing in this equation, it’s actually best if the old me and everything I was is wiped out completely to make more space for Him.
So what did training camp do for/to me? It made me think how worthy I am of my own attention. God says I’m worth it so why didn’t I know that in my own spirit?
I threw all doubts, fears, and the lies I believed aside. I jumped headfirst into becoming actually FULL in Him. I wasn’t full before. Strip me of everything that I thought was important and there’s broken me, holding up a fake fasad for the sake of those around me.
Forget it all, said the Lord those first few days of training camp. Tell them your actual story. Be freed of your past. Cry those big ugly adult tears, who cares who is looking. Break those ties in your heart that the world says you have to keep. Come running into My arms because I say you can. Be YOU.
I grieved.
I forgave.
I processed shame and guilt.
I accepted my own story because it had started to own me.
I looked at myself and said “I like you.”
This time I meant it. This time everything changed.
I feel like a mountain moved in my heart today, bible hungry I read this and everything that actually happened in me came crashing together.
[1 John 3: 21-24] And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.
And there’s not a whole lot more to say. I got to be my real, true self around teammates who have loved and prayed for me even before they knew my name, let alone passions and what makes me tick.
Training camp will wreck you for the better, future racers.
My pack may have been the same weight coming home, but as I walked out of the terminal flying home my whole person was just lighter.
Having a heart that wants to help set others free, I had to set myself free first.
Now I realize I like me, because He loves me. Cliche as it may sound, I encourage you to take an honest look at how you see yourself (especially if you call yourself loved by Him.)
Remember friends to serve YOU first, He’s beckoning you too.
Thanks for making me and my scrambled thoughts part of your day.
xo, P
