To go quicker. Sadly, I want to go home and the days of the World Race to end. I want to live my life again and love God in the ways I choose to, not the ways I have to.
I want to be able to love who I want, drink beer when I want, sit in bed and watch movies all day when I want, go wherever I want. My heart hurts. My mind is all jumbled and I’m sick of facing so much in my life. The time just ticks itself away and the memories are so sweet, but they hurt knowing that they most times are forced upon me.
God I want you to SHOW UP in my life. Put a new desire in me, let me give you more of my life and stop wishing certain things away.
Sitting in the cold dark “cave” of our housing conditions in Thailand and I’m frustrated. I am listening to secular song covered in swear words and I am sick of people being broken people, especially myself. I’m either lazy or not able to express the passion I have in me enough.
My heart hurts with the poor intentions inside of it weighing me down. There’s proof I could need a good cry, or a good belly laugh but neither are available for me to grasp right now. God, save me? Rescue me from my bitter self. Here I sit having drunk the bitter poison expecting it to kill my circumstances, the people “bossing me around,” and the wrecked time.
God I trust you with my whole life but when am I going to be content and FULLY alive here in these countries. I STILL feel as if my biggest impact was made in the States alongside people who speak my own language and who LOVE ME.
Father, take me on a sabbatical with you. A biblical sabbatical. A reality check. A new heart. A fresh perspective. A beautiful grand reveal of a new me. Show me the things you have quietly whispered into my heart and where I myself have gone wrong and twisted them. What needs to get out of my life? Where’s my focus all-wrong? Who takes from me characteristics of You? Where have I forgotten my place of origin? Why do I forget I come straight from You? Jesus, save me.
God I am sick of only half living. I can preach all day and night why others should choose you and ditch their old yet exciting lives for one with you. BUT DO I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT? Why am I so fixated on the wrong worldly things? Why do I myself feel exploited?
I want to grab the NECK of life and just strangle it. I want to see myself more real and vulnerable and broken than ever before in hopes to repair me. The growth I have experienced is nuts but I let the devil taunt me that I’ll always be this evil being alongside him. That people don’t like me. That I’m fat and inconsiderate and rude and bitter and will never be loved. But then there’s Jesus who comes into those terrible spaces in my mind that I try to hide curled up in out of fear and he promises. To love me. To keep me. To seek my in the night when I am unwilling to be found. TO teach me more about His life by showing up in mine and rearranging everything.
Every human pretends. We all think that our brokenness is less broken or bad than the person we are analyzing so we choose to hurt them instead of feel the pain that is hidden deep inside our very souls. Here, let me cut you so instead the world doesn’t see MY scars. Isn’t that the game we play?
Watch a movie and see a perfect life, a perfect ending. Just because the end is nowhere in sight does that mean that I get to automatically label what has already happened as not storyline worthy? No. I push on, I keep living further. Keep choosing the people around me and ditching those who are not. Paige keep writing, why do you hide your own feelings from yourself? Why do you choose to be “pretty” even to your OWN face? Why does it feel like two opposing forces? Why do you compare? Can’t you just make peace with yourself and see the blessed opportunity you are smack dab in the middle of?
WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? Who gives a darn that people won’t like you. That you will make mistakes and break the hearts of those you claim to love. That is life. Walk this earth with confidence that He put a person like YOU on this planet to do something whether that’s to cause damage or to save nations.
I need a BIG change. A brand new start. Someone who sees something deep in me. A brand new romance with Jesus Christ that will change everything. I am having my mid-World Race crisis and it feels real and I feel violated and naked. Like everything I once knew is thrown in the trash and I can either pick through the rotten food and junk to find it or go out and replace the old with new and better. Now there is something to be said about fixing something that is broken, but what happens when the old was absolute rubbish and it DESERVES to be in the trash. That it looks more out of place in your life than it does sitting there in that barrel of garbage. Then what do you do with yourself? How do you cope and where do you turn?
WHY DO YOU ASK SO MANY PEOPLE TO SPEAK INTO YOUR LIFE, PAIGE, WHEN YOU CANNOT EVEN HEAR YOUR OWN WORDS? You know yourself deeply. Just open your ears and listen. Be that woman you want to be and know yourself TO be. Stop worrying that things will turn differently or you’ll be made into something else. YOU WILL BE MADE BETTER.
There’s nothing pitiful about your situation. You as you are not going to sit around and pity the you that you are being. Ditch her.
I want goodness and mercy and love and kindness and deep intimacy and wholeness FOR YOU. Paige the you inside YOU wants the creation God made to come fully alive and to thrive regardless the place. Be a cactus without water thriving in the desert or a water lily that sits atop all of the muck and weeds of a pond.
***It is quite possible this piece of writing is meant to minister to my own heart. Well, it did. In asking God to speed up time, I was only choosing my brokenness in not wanting to deal with the roots in my life that I need to spend time tugging at and pulling out. Come alongside me in the confessing of all the bad in my life, I promise you we will BOTH be made better. World Race really brings out the raw in a girl.***
