Today I am being cautioned on expectations. Not necessarily on what it feels like to set them, but what it feels like to NEVER meet them. My mind finds itself in knots when I become paralyzed with opinions, wants, and desires of others before I think of who God says I am.
When I put my people pleasing personality before my purpose I just find myself wrecked with stress of picking up my own pieces, scrambling so no one sees the mess I have made. But it’s always a giant, embarrassing mess. I never sweep fast enough and people always find me red cheeked pretending like what’s all over the floor isn’t mine. It is. And I fail to not make messes let alone be tidy when I DO create them.
Being Paige I don’t have the right words to say whether it’s a lie or a poor word choice or something I should have bitten my tongue to prevent from coming out. I usually act out of impulse in regards to my emotions and find myself apologizing again and again for a heart that cannot take as much as I proudly proclaimed I could. Just as I reach that bar of where the world says I am to meet, the world decides to raise everything to a higher and even more unrealistic level. Will I ever learn? Will I ever let God keep me FULL? My vote here is yes and of course I find myself cheering for me.
Deciding you don’t need to keep it hidden is freeing and weightless. There’s truth in bringing this truth to the light so God can cover and dispose of the garbage that usually we as humans try to keep hidden. Well, there’s my garbage: I, all too often let broken people in need of a Savior tell me who I am…leaving me? You guessed it, broken too. And as I write this post I truly am in a wrestling match with finding my worth because you can apologize for mistakes, you can apologize for unintentionally hurting someone, but you should never find yourself apologizing for being who you are.
Take that one up with the Big Man upstairs.
A photo of me in a Cambodian market dodging the smell of rotting meat on every corner in the blazing hot sun.
