South Africa…
I don’t even really know where to start. I’ve been wanting to write a blog about last month but words seem hard. Last month was so incredible. I met people who I literally loved so much and never wanted to leave just after one conversation. I loved and gave them everything I could and I would leave many conversations with the desire to stay in South Africa and be their friend forever. But you know, not really our reality on the race, which sucks sometimes. I realized a few months ago that I don’t ever love fully in a country because loving fully means that I have to be hurt when I leave them at the end of each month. I put up walls. And in Swaziland I told the Lord I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to love fully and be okay with being hurt because I loved like Jesus would have. I wanted to be okay with the pain that comes from loving people and leaving them. So in Swazi I loved the kids. And I walked away sad but knowing that I gave them all I could and I loved them the best that I could. Well last month in South Africa I knew I wanted to do that again. I wanted to be okay with leaving and give my all. And it was sooooo hard. My heart broke after several conversations. I talked to women that I just never wanted to leave because I felt like we could have been best friends. And I really wanted to be their friend and love them more. I also got to know some of the interns at Impact Africa and my heart was so sad leaving them. I didn’t ever fully feel like my time with them should be over. I wanted to give them more. Leaving felt bad. It felt like I wasn’t loving them the way I should. I really wanted to stay.
But Jesus showed me a few things:
1. I wasn’t fully done healing from feeling like people always leave and relationships can never be important unless someone is fully staying in my life. Jesus has brought me so far and healed so much but He isn’t done. And I’m okay with that and know He is healing me in His timing specifically in the ways I need. So thanks Jesus for what you’ve done and what you’re still doing. Thanks for opening my eyes to the importance in each moment even if a relationship is only meant to last a few hours or even a few minutes.
2. I have to trust God with people. I will never be more than what He is and He put me in their lives for a season and used me the way He wanted but after I left He is continuing to protect and pursue them. He loves them way more than I ever could.
Honestly these are just some of the things I’ve learned. It doesn’t begin to describe what all I experienced but I plan to write another blog soon about things we did.
PS I took over my friend Krista’s vlog for a week so here’s a look into our last week in South Africa.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10211037059122146&id=1825202421&anchor_composer=false&ref=bookmarks
