Guyssssss!! This blog is one that I am so excited about posting. You’re about to hear from the heart of the beautiful, brave, and loving Aly Thayer. Aly and I have been friends since Kindergarten. We have walked through all kinds of life together. But recently I watched her walk through one of the hardest times in her life. But I also got to see the Lord heal her and now through her fears I’ve gotten to watch her step out in complete faith to allow the Lord use the darkness in her life to shine a light. The Lord is using the postpartum depression (ppd) Aly suffered through for 2.5 months for His glory.
READ HER STORY ITS WORTH IT:
“ I look at my 7-month-old daughter, giggling and talking to herself on the floor at this very moment, and I can’t believe that I ever felt anything other than love and total awe towards her. But the first 2.5 months of her life had a completely different narrative.
The first 2.5 months of her life I could hardly look at her. I didn’t want to hold her. And breastfeeding? Oh Lord, don’t even get me started on that. She was ruining my boobs every 2 hours making them crack and bleed and ache all because she needed to eat. To say I was annoyed is an understatement. If there was ever a poster-child for how to be a ‘bad mom’, I was the front-runner.
At least, that’s how I felt. I was a terrible mom. I didn’t deserve her. She didn’t deserve me. She deserved a mom who ‘ooed and awwed’ over her. She deserved a mom that wanted her. She deserved a mom who didn’t want to hurt her. She deserved someone completely and totally different from me.
And she has that now – she has a mom who looks at her and thinks she’s the bee’s knees. She has a mom who wants to get down on the floor and play with her. She has a mom who would protect her from anything and everything even if that meant giving her own life. She has a mom who would bend over backward just to see her darling girl smile.
And that new mom she has is me. Me, Aly Thayer. The same mom who was the poster-child for a ‘bad mom’.
So what happened? Where were my motherly instincts? Where was the mom I thought I would be?
She was beaten down and burdened with a mental illness called Postpartum Depression. Postpartum Depression affects 1 in 7 new moms, and I, for one, didn’t think it would ever happen to me. Because, honestly, I had never heard of it. I had never been prepared for the possibility of a mental illness that would cause me to betray everything I knew I wanted to be.
When Ella was 2.5 months old, I broke before the Lord. I broke, because just the day before I had been tranquilized in the ER and sent to a mental institution to keep from committing suicide. Can you imagine? Everything my mind had been battling almost won. Every thought that ppd was throwing at me almost got me to take my life.
“You aren’t good enough.”
“Your family would be better off without you.”
“Ella deserves more than you could ever offer.”
In the moment that I broke, the Lord heard me. The Lord told me, “I see you, and I am not going to leave you like this.” With my mother-in-law and husband praying over me, the spirit of depression left me. The lies left me. The love and awe for my daughter filled me.
I could breathe.
Praise God for healing! Praise God for seeing his hurting children.
My story didn’t end there, but it has been on an uphill climb since then. I am on anti-depressants to keep the illness at bay, and if I ever have a ‘down day’, I have plenty of people to reach out to for help.
If you want to hear all of the nitty-gritty details of my 2.5 month journey, head on over to ppdjourney.com and watch our “Shatter the Silence” series. You can also venture over to PPDJourney if you just want to know more about what ppd is! You’ll find facts and stories of ppd fighters.
It is important to note that EVERY journey is different. Some don’t feel disdain towards their child, but that is just how mine manifested. It is also important to note that every healing is different. And that’s okay.
If you’re struggling with ppd or are someone close with a momma walking through ppd, know I’m praying for you. Know I am entering boldly before the throne of the King and asking for healing.
Please reach out. Please don’t sit alone in this. Fight it with everything you have. Even if it’s just barely being able to utter the words, “I need help.” “
-Aly Thayer
website: ppdjourney.com
