GOD, ARE YOU REALLY “FOR ME”? – PAIGE
MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? – JESUS
Preparing for the World Race has been a WHirLWinD. There are seemingly endless details, documents, and administrative tasks.
There’s also quitting your job (ouch), saving money, vision casting, and fundraising.
More substantial, there is an incredible mindfulness and awareness of the state of the soul:
Am I equipped for this journey?
Am I growing in spiritual maturity?
Am I reconciled to my community?
Am I really ready to leave behind everything and everyone I know?
As I continue to dig deeper and invest in the process, the Lord is faithful to reveal to me matters of the heart. (Oh, patient Father…)
I think of the night I committed to this adventure. I pulled into the parking shelter of my apartment complex and pressed my head against the steering wheel, praying hard for clarity.
I received a picture of me and Jesus at a deserted beach. It was cold, rocky, and overcast. The water was choppy. Jesus starting walking toward the water, his white garments dragging along. He turned around with a wide smile and hearty laugh, reached out his hand, and beckoned me to come with him. With each step, the water calmed around his feet. I took his hand and walked with him, further and further into the water and the scene faded.
Something in that moment, shifted. I decided to go. I decided it was worth it.
I turned up the music again and the lyrics washed over me,
Then you crash over me
And I’ve lost control, but I’m free
I’m going under
I’m in over my head…
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when, I’m beautifully in over my head
Lately, I have forgotten this. Being “in over my head” has not felt beautiful, or romantic, or enticing. To be honest, I feel a bit pummeled by the waves, gasping for air.
What shifted?
I let go of His hand.
I balled up my fist.
I have realized that my heart looks more like a rigid, clenched fist — than a fleshy, rhythmic masterpiece. I cannot take Jesus by the hand, if I am standing on the shore, or bobbing around the waters, white knuckled.
The truth is that I am afraid of surrender.
I want to control everything or at least, perceive the outcome.
I’m afraid that God is going to disappoint or fail me. I’m afraid that he will continue to take from me, everyone I love. I’m afraid that he will continue to heap suffering on me and my family.
But I’m putting my hope again in the Lord. He is good and will show me his faithfulness. He is a refuge for us.
I’m taking bold, brave steps into the life I’ve always dreamed, in pursuit of The Kingdom of God. These moments of surrender set us free to live the life we were created for.
Dearly beloved, whatever season you find yourself in… I urge you to examine the posture of your heart.
Maybe you are like me, and you need to pry open your cold, tired fingers and lift your palms toward heaven. Maybe you need to grab Jesus by the hand again. Maybe you are still on the shore, hesitant.
Friend, he’s got you.
What are you waiting for?
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done.
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
