I said I would not post again until India. So, that is my first lie. Forgive me. I think this confession is worth the risk of “changing my mind” for.
I just finished Don Miller’s Scary Close. I’m definitely adding it to my top five books you must read if we are going to have any kind of powerful relationship…. kidding. Maybe.
Regardless, his ideas (or rather, confessions) put to words my struggle with genuine vulnerability and longing for intimacy. The book is bearing much fruit in my thought processes and disciplines.
Something I’m learning about myself is a compulsive reaction to perform and impress. I have built false versions of myself out of fear and survival tactics, in order to gain applause and save face. I have been a manipulator. I wish I could tell you I am healed, but the truth is that I am still very much in process, working to take these lies captive, and ultimately, be reconciled to my true identity found only in Christ. Even in confessing this, I fear you will think I am a better person than I really am, because I am writing about it. Lord, help. The reason I write today is for connection and community… for that “me too!”… so that we can choose light together, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm.
I’ve believed a lie that says “I only matter if” I am…
- praised by my bosses
- highly-requested as a teacher
- a good musician
- a decent writer
- presentable in appearance, but not overly attractive or fit or trendy as to “appear” vain (ha!)
Let’s take it even deeper…
- committed to sacrificing everything, as if God desires “stuff” from me
- committed to a life of suffering, as if I am unworthy of receiving good gifts
Over the years, I’ve even learned a false humility. Outwardly, I reject praise and compliments… but inwardly, I crave affirmation. I need it to refuel and energize my work. I need people to tell me I am appreciated or I obsess over what went wrong, or how I could do better.
Simply, I think about myself too much. Over-valuing or under-valuing what I can contribute or accomplish.
In reality, God doesn’t need me. People don’t need me. I was graciously chosen because God loves me. All for love. He says that nothing I do will add or subtract from my worth. He calls me to be a daughter, to receive, not because I’ve earned it… but because he is good. And he invites me to claim my identity, and then run and tell others that they are sons and daughters too! That they can shatter their delicate porcelain mask, or take off their gaudy fake nose and mustache, and just be fully themselves, covered by the love and grace of their Father. There is freedom for us!
I used to think I needed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get my issues together in order to be a good leader (or at least, worthy to be called to anything). Now I know that good leaders are the ones who are honest about their brokenness. Good leaders give people the freedom to be who they fully and truly are. Good leaders don’t judge, but listen and care, and offer their lives and reputation to be love and light.
I don’t want to tell a story of love and light.
I want to live a story of love and light.
I want to be a story of love and light.
I was given incredible encouragement by a missions-minded leader at my church to band together a small tight-knit core team outside of my World Race to support me this year. I asked them last week to pray for a word or phrase to spend this month (or several) meditating on… something to recalibrate the heart… and the word my friend, Sarah was given was “light”. Spot on, right?
Here’s the thing about light:
Light exposes.
Just a flicker of a flame, scatters and drives out darkness. Light is powerful.
What was previously hidden begins to take shape and reveal its true nature.
In the presence of light, darkness must flee.
I’m sure you can meditate on these four lines and come up with a wealth of wisdom, pertaining to life and godliness.
This is my longing and prayer for you, for us. Oh, that we would be children of the light. We cannot hide from God, so why hide from each other. We were made for intimacy and connection, but that cannot coexist within the constructs of shame and isolation. We must be people who believe that even our darkest thoughts and sins, were covered by the blood of Christ.
If He doesn’t condemn or hold your transgressions against you, why should I?
And why should you hold sins against yourself?
I promise, there is freedom for you today.
“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
1 John 1:5-10
Choose light, choose freedom.
Choose freedom, choose intimacy.
Friends, there is hope for us.
