Well, I went for a run today. Seems like all my blogs start out this way. With a run. Anyway, this run was a challenge too. I only had to run 5 today, but they had to be under 8 minutes per mile. (Fast) Plus I had to go up a rather large hill AND I had run 10 miles the night before. No wonder it was a challenge!
The training is preparing me for the end race. It is not going to be easy, or else it wouldn't be worth it. I had to remind myself of this after the first mile. All the struggles now, the physical and mental struggles are preparing me for that final run. Perhaps that will be the easiest run of them all. All the hard work will be done, I will be ready for the race. Not that running a Marathon isn't difficult, it will be a challenge, but I think that the training is the hardest part. It is the discipline and the hard work, the hours and miles put into my training. It is on those runs where my legs are tired and I want to lay down and die that makes me stronger. But it is not easy, or fun.
On my run today, I had to stop several times. I had to mentally refocus. I had to remind myself that I needed to keep going. I got about half way and God began to revealing things to me about my trip.
This trip is going to be hard. There will be times when all I want to do is lay down and die. Give up. I may need to stop a few times to refocus, but I must keep going. That is the important thing. Just keep going. I told God that no matter what, I would keep going. I would never give up. There will be times of frustration, anger, sadness, and many other things but I must keep going. I also told him to imprint this run in my mind so when I feel like giving in, I will be encouraged to continue on. I did after all make a promise.
I walked a little way, praying. Allowing myself to feel. (and cry)
Finally, when I was ready, I clicked on my watch and started running.
I just had 2.5 left. I could do it.
I got to mile 4 and stopped. God had something else to share with me. God is going to do a good work in me on this trip. He is going tear me down. Everything about myself will be stripped away, all of it. That is why I needed to take this trip alone. I had to leave Ryan, my family and my life here behind. He is going to bring me to the end of myself. For that is where He can be found. He will then begin to build. Brick by brick, He will build me back up into the women He intended me to be. But in order to be built back up, He needs to tear down. Just like an old building, you can't begin building a new house on an existing house. The old needs to be tore down so the new can be built up.
This process is not going to be easy. I know I will fight it. It will be painful, and where there is pain, there is a struggle. I will try and try and try. I am a very headstrong person, in other words, STUBBORN. Maybe that is why this trip is so long, because God needs extra time for His work to be done here. But there will be a point where I can no longer fight. It is that point where God works, when we allow Him to.
I am thankful to serve an awesome God. I am thankful that He knows best. I am thankful that He never gives up on me. I love him, and no matter what happens, I know He loves me too. Very much so.
