The Jesus I am coming to know is so much greater then I ever imagined Him to be. My understanding of who He is, is kind of a slap in the face to Him. He is so much greater. There is nothing else in the world I could compare to Jesus. Nothing. There are not even words. There are also no words to express His great love. The other day I got to experience Him in a real way. It was so incredible.
We went to church with our host family. Richard, who owns the place where we stayed all of month one, is a pastor, but occasionally he goes to this other church to enjoy a time of worship with a small congregation. He took us there for the Sunday service. We began with worship and praise. The songs we sang were oldies, it was awesome to sing them again.
I was struggling though. I just could not praise, I couldn’t truthfully say all the words that I was singing and mean them in my heart. I tried harder, I only increased my frustration. I wanted to praise Him, I wanted my heart to be in my worship, but it just wasn’t. So, I stopped singing. I stood there a while in my frustration and then I began to pray. I told God that I didn’t feel that joy in my heart and I didn’t know why. It was gone and there was nothing I could do to bring it back.
I have come to Africa with a wounded heart. Past wounds that I have been carrying with me for a long time. I was finally admitting to God that I had wounds and that they were the reason my joy was not been to its full capacity. I have noticed for the past year or so the joy in my life has slipped away. The true joy. Many of you at home might have noticed it. Or perhaps maybe you didn’t, I am good at hiding.
For the longest time it was me trying to heal my own wounded heart. Me trying to be joyful. I tried several things to patch it up, but nothing that I could do would truly heal the wounds and bring the joy back.
This is when I realized maybe Jesus could heal. I didn’t know what else to do, so I gave it a try. I offered up my wounded heart. I asked if he would take my heart and heal it. I surrendered. I came to a point where I realized that I didn’t have to be in charge of my heart. That was Jesus job. He wants to care for me. He wants to protect me. That is what love means. Allowing Him to care for me. I have never experienced this before. His love for me became so real in that moment. His deepest desire is to take care of His children, he longs to. For the longest time I would not allow him to love me. I thought I had to do it on my own.
I surrendered my heart into his hands. My heart is fragile. I pictured in my mind, literally taking this delicate little heart from my hands and placing it in the Fathers hands. He was so gentle and the way he held it was so tender. I knew that my heart was going to be cared for and I was not afraid.
I began singing once again. My voice rang out, I my throat hurt because I had a little bit of a cold, but I couldn’t keep quiet. I was so glad at the fact my Father was going to care for my heart.
Continuing with the story, the Pastor come and spoke. He was a true man of God. When he spoke I heard God speak. There was truth and authority. It was awesome. I have never heard someone speak as he did. I wanted to soak it all in, I wish I could have had a tape recorder so I could replay it over and over again. I took notes, but I had a hard time because I didn’t want to miss a minute. The thing I gleaned most was the passage he gave. It was 1 John 4, specificity 18-19.
“We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might might do to us and shows that we are not fully convinced that her really loves us. So you see, our love for him comes as a result of his loving us first.”
I realize I don’t fully love God. I have not allowed Him to fully love me either. He wants to care or me, but I don’t often let Him. I feel it is my job to take care of myself. I took that upon myself, trying to make myself alright I turn to other things. For me it had been food, other people, my family, I try to find things to comfort my broken heart. Nothing or one one can fill that place or bring any amount of comfort as God can.
I am learning to trust Him. It is hard sometimes because I have never had a relationship like that. God’s love is perfect.
After the Pastor got finished preaching, another Pastor was asked to come and pray for everyone. He asked if anyone needed prayer that they should raise their hands. I wanted prayer, but I didn’t raise my hand. The prayer ended and we were told to be seated. As I was about to sit down the Pastor pointed at me and asked if we could pray over me.
At first I was confused. I kept looking around thinking he was talking about someone else, not me. He couldn’t mean me. Sure enough, he was talking about me. The Holy Spirit spoke to this man on my behalf. It was a whisper in his ear, and I am so glad he was obedient. So I walked up front and the Pastor called Pastor Richard up to pray over me. Richard asked if it was alright to anoint me with oil, I nodded yes, I was still in awe of what was happening.
He began praying over me. His hand was on my head. I closed my eyes. I wish I could have recorded all he said, it was so beautiful. He was listening to the Holy Spirit on what I needed. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Among other things, Richard prayed for healing. Just what I needed. Just what I had prayed for. He told me to open up my hands to receive it.
God did what I asked. He brought healing.
After the prayer I was in tears and Richard gave me a hug. It was a hug from God.
God answered my prayer. Within an hour. God answered my prayer. He did it in such a way that there was no mistake that it was Him. He receives all the glory. He spoke through two individuals, to speak to me. God is glorious. I was so blessed by this.
