My training has ceased. I made a decision to stop running. I came to this decision due to the injury in my foot. The fact is, my foot is not getting any better and the reason for this is my training. I may be pushing myself a little too far. To the point where it is only hurting myself.
If you know anything about me, you will know that I am not a quitter. So when the thought of discontinuing my training came to mind, I became slightly disappointed. I don't want to stop running. I don't want to give up my Marathon time. I don't want to quit. Mentally I wasn't ready to do that. It was Friday, I was supposed to run a 5 mile at pace and a 20 mile the following day. Just thinking about running hurt. The joy in running had disappeared. My foot was not up for that type of heavy training. I was expressing this to my Aunt Amanda. I wasn't going to allow myself to give in. I was going to grit my teeth and do what I needed to do, even at the coast of my foot.
Mandie, the wise soul she is, spoke the words I needed to hear.
"It is alright if you don't run."
I so desperately needed to hear this. A wave of relief swept over me. She kept going.
"It is not giving up."
Only then did I let myself off the hook. The truth she spoke allowed me to see clearly. It was ok if I stopped running.
I have a gift. Some may call it headstrong or stubbornness. What ever you call it, it can be a very powerful thing that God can use. He will give me tasks to do knowing that I will not give up. This may be part of the reason I am going on this 11 month trip. I don't give up. But when I take this gift of mine into my own hands, I can go too far. To the point where I hurt myself and others around me. To the point where God receives no glory.
I have had a chance to step back and see that my training might have gotten a little too much. My original plan was to run 11 races. That turned into a few half marathons, then a marathon, then I wanted to push myself to get a good time for the Marathon. Training for a Marathon is not a bad thing. But it is also not what I set out to do in the first place. I stacked unrealistic expectations on top of each other until I was buried deep beneath a pile of anxiety, frustration and disappointment. No wonder the thought of going for a run made me wince. No wonder my foot didn't heal. No wonder I was so frustrated. This was not God's plan.
I shake my head now and say, " Paige, Paige, what were you thinking?" I bet that is what God was saying too. But He knew that I had a lesson to learn. Perhaps this little foot injury was a blessing. God's gentle reminder that I needed to slow down a little. He always gently guides us get back on our path when we start to wonder.
As I realize this precious gift given to me by God, I need to be wise about how I use it. It is easy for me to go overboard, but now that I know I am prone to it, I can be watchful.
Like my Momma always says, "Your greatest weakness is a strength taken too far."
So for now, I am not training. I will still keep my goal of 11 races. That will not change. But I am not concerned with my time. I will run the best I can, and if I have to walk that Marathon, it is ok. I feel such an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders.
4 down 7 to go.
