Sometimes when you set out to do something you don't really realize what you got yourself into. At the moment of the decision you don't foresee all that you really commit to. That is probably a good thing, or else we would never commit to do anything.
Last Saturday I had to run 19 miles. It would be the most miles I put in so far.
This was not any easy run. From the very start it was a struggle. I had a 9 mile pace run the previous night (a.k.a a fast run) so my legs were tired even before I began my extended journey. I got to mere mile 3 and I had to stop. I had so much ahead of me that I became overwhelmed. I had so far to go.
I stopped my watch, and had a little pow wow with God. I told him I was tired. I told him that I wasn't sure if I could do all that I set out to do. In the back of my mind I just wanted to turn around and head home. (I didn't tell Him that though, but He knew it anyway, He knows everything.)
He listened. It was just Him and I out there. Just like He wanted. He wanted this to be a time where I look to Him alone. He wasn't going to take the road ahead of me away. Those 16 miles still needed to be run. But He gave me something far greater. He gave me the strength to continue on.
So I started my watch and began to run again. As I continued it wasn't any easier physically, but mentally I had a peace.
It was such a beautiful day! It was the perfect morning for a long run. The sun was shining, I got to wear shorts! I got to run over my very favorite bridge. It is a bridge that crosses the Chippewa river near Caryville.
My pace was great! I ran 7 miles in a hour! Even though I felt tired, I was doing well.
Then I hit some hills. They were a challenge. I noticed my left quad was ready to be finished at about mile 10. It was then that my run kinda went down hill.
My pace was really slowing down, and that really bothered me. I should be running faster I kept telling myself. I became disappointed in myself. I had to keep stopping. I was trying to motivate myself to go faster. I wasn't satisfied with myself and I just wanted to go faster. Why can't you go faster?!
In reality I was asking my body to do something impossible. Now that I think of it, I realize how silly I was. I was expecting too much. I came to mile 14.75 and I stopped. I could push myself no further. I was going to quit. Disappointment was causing me to quit. It is a dangerous place to be in. I was ready to call it quits, not because I couldn't run anymore, but because I was so frustrated with my time. I was slowing down because my body was tired.
I was so focused on that one thing, my time.
I had another pow wow with God, this time it was more a fit of rage. I told Him I was done. I told Him that I was giving up. It was too hard and I was done.
He listened. He knew I wasn't done. He knew I would keep going. But I needed His understanding, His view. So I stood there, tears of disappointment rolling down my face, looking out over the beautiful Chippewa River.
I looked over my right shoulder. I looked down the trail seeing just how far I had come. I looked at my watch and read, 14.75 miles. Was I really going to throw it all away? Give up now? God was revealing to me that my journey wasn't really about the time. The time didn't matter to him. What mattered to Him was my heart. I had given up, in my heart.
I realized then that it wasn't a matter of time, but I needed to finish what I started. I had to run on. I wiped away those tears, took one last look over my shoulder and started running again.
It was not a pretty sight mind you. I might have made a noise that I can't really imitate again if I tried. My body didn't really want to go on. It was tired. But I was running again.
Those last few miles were not pretty. I had a certain "hop along" gate, and my face was squinted up most of the way. Although I did manage a smile and a "Hi" as people pasted me on bicycles. But I did it. I ran 19 miles, I finished what I set out to do.
God was with me the whole way. And with out Him, I wouldn't have made it.
