I’m a planner it’s just who I am and I like to plan things. But once again life switches things up on me. As you may or may not know I recently got my appendix taken out (happy birthday to me!!) and to say the least this altered my plans a good little chunk.
As a result of my appendix being taken out I’ve had to miss a whole week of work and that hurts me a lot. One, it hurts because I am unable to see my kids and help them with everything and I miss them so much! Second, is the pay. 56 hours that I lost and not getting paid this hurts because I’m raising most of my funds from this job and after this week I won’t work again until school starts the Monday after trading camp (August 20). This one little life incident has brought me so much anxiety.
My mind is running trying to figure out how to keep raising money for the second deadline, pay the bills , purchase the equipment and supplies I need, medical, laptop problems, pocket money for the trip and try to contribute to household needs.
All this gives me anxiety, I want to cry, and I low key panic. This is a whole new level of trusting God and his plan and his way of provision.
I just wish I could wholeheartedly trust God in this. It’s hard for me to trust people and in turn hard to trust God. It’s all just a giant roller coaster of emotions. I desire deeply to surrender myself in every aspect to him but I just keep running and hiding; why I don’t know maybe we can figure that out together.
Im battling myself in believing that I can offer something to not only the people who I’ll encounter but also my team. I see their posts and social medias and then I look at myself and I feel like where in different spectrums. Yes I know what we see is only a portion and the “best” parts of their lives and yes I do know I have something to offer that is uniquely to me but my brain and heart are not on the same page.
